Once a month, I hate my uterus and wish I had been born a man. Well, not born a man because I think my mother would have cried had she given birth to a full-grown man, so born a boy. Granted, I would probably be transgendered and going through a whole list of other issues right now, but I wouldn't have the evil attacking uterus that makes me want to give myself a hysterectomy with a rusty chainsaw because I know that infection and self-mutilation is quite possibly less painful. I think Richard Jenni got it best in his sketch:
Mind you, I don't turn into some crazed witch straight from Macbeth who turns on anyone I happen to be with, but it does feel like maybe my body is attacking me for not having children. Which sucks because that "children" thing is not happening for quite a few years. Which means that for the next 10 years (give or take) I'm going to be in pain and bitchy and obnoxious because my body is attacking me from the inside for not being pregnant, which, if you think about it in terms of religion is super funny because I'm not allowed to have sex until I get married but God is (in the meantime) punishing me for not being pregnant. Hmmm. Something seems a bit hypocritical. So, either we should be allowed sex before marriage without condemnation or God should suck less and stop it with the pain. Or even more ideally, we should be allowed sex before marriage without condemnation (even if we use contraceptives) and God should suck less. Either way, there should be a lack of sucking on God's part and an increase of sucking on everyone else's.
On a slightly different note, is there anything worse than a "between the eyebrow incredibly inflamed larger under the surface so it stays perpetually red" zit? I mean, yeah, AIDS I'm sure is worse but no one knows you have that unless you tell them. Or have unprotected sex with them and then they get a bad cold, wind up in the ER and find out that you gave them AIDS, in which case you are sort of a horrible person. And by sort of, I mean you deserve the painful, slow death that is coming your way.
But I digress...the forehead zit is bad enough but with some creative combing you can usually avoid a lot of the annoyances of having to put up with too much of it. The between the eye zit? That just sucks. A lot. And how do you explain that you not intentionally mocking the Indian Caste system and that your face just decided to explode and be obnoxious?
As one of the guys at work put it, I look like maybe someone has a mark out on me from the top of a building somewhere. Awesome.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
When songs get stuck in my head, I generally have one of three reactions:
1) OooH! I love this song! *bounce bounce bounce bounce*
2) Ooooh, I'm so sick of this song! *pout*
3) Damn it, Miss Yankee...STOP WRITING "SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE" IN TEXT MESSAGES!
I have two notes stuck in my head. That's right- two notes. Bah-bom. That's it. And I can't place the song it goes to and the rest of it is riiiiiiight there on the tip of my brain. It's almost as though there's a fine line between paying enough attention to get my brain to remember and concentrating too hard and somehow blocking it. It's very frustrating because it's not like I can call up someone and be all, "Hey, do you know where these two notes with no other distinguishing factors, including words, is from?" It's like two guitar chords and then....something. And it sounds almost like another song so just when I think I've gotten it, Aerosmith starts playing in my head and I get frustrated because I somehow know that it is not an Aerosmith song that is stuck in my head.
Even now, I'm staring at the computer screen thinking, "Maybe if I concentrate on something else it'll pop up and I'll remember what it is." Two notes. Like an inverse doorbell sound. And it repeats over and over and over and over and over again because I have no where else to go with it. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to break out the mp3 player when I go food shopping just to not have it in my head anymore. It's sad that I've come to that.
It's also sad that I've taken to food shopping with my mp3 player. I think I've actually hit the point where I do need to be amused and entertained every second of the day. I used to think that if I were magically transported to 1860, I would be able to survive because I like to read and the dresses were really cool. But now, I'm not sure I could get by without checking my email, myspace, facebook, the news, pandora, and various other sites all while writing and half-watching tv while texting people. I don't think I realized how much mutli-tasking I do on a minute-to-minute basis. This is why when I get home from work, I end up doing more work while chatting and relaxing. I think I've forgotten how to completely relax and do nothing because unless I'm sleeping, I'm always doing more than one thing.
I don't think that there's a new epidemic of ADHD in our kids. I think society forgot how to chill out.
1) OooH! I love this song! *bounce bounce bounce bounce*
2) Ooooh, I'm so sick of this song! *pout*
3) Damn it, Miss Yankee...STOP WRITING "SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE" IN TEXT MESSAGES!
I have two notes stuck in my head. That's right- two notes. Bah-bom. That's it. And I can't place the song it goes to and the rest of it is riiiiiiight there on the tip of my brain. It's almost as though there's a fine line between paying enough attention to get my brain to remember and concentrating too hard and somehow blocking it. It's very frustrating because it's not like I can call up someone and be all, "Hey, do you know where these two notes with no other distinguishing factors, including words, is from?" It's like two guitar chords and then....something. And it sounds almost like another song so just when I think I've gotten it, Aerosmith starts playing in my head and I get frustrated because I somehow know that it is not an Aerosmith song that is stuck in my head.
Even now, I'm staring at the computer screen thinking, "Maybe if I concentrate on something else it'll pop up and I'll remember what it is." Two notes. Like an inverse doorbell sound. And it repeats over and over and over and over and over again because I have no where else to go with it. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to break out the mp3 player when I go food shopping just to not have it in my head anymore. It's sad that I've come to that.
It's also sad that I've taken to food shopping with my mp3 player. I think I've actually hit the point where I do need to be amused and entertained every second of the day. I used to think that if I were magically transported to 1860, I would be able to survive because I like to read and the dresses were really cool. But now, I'm not sure I could get by without checking my email, myspace, facebook, the news, pandora, and various other sites all while writing and half-watching tv while texting people. I don't think I realized how much mutli-tasking I do on a minute-to-minute basis. This is why when I get home from work, I end up doing more work while chatting and relaxing. I think I've forgotten how to completely relax and do nothing because unless I'm sleeping, I'm always doing more than one thing.
I don't think that there's a new epidemic of ADHD in our kids. I think society forgot how to chill out.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Showers, Cell phones, Shoes, and Passover
I am spastic today.
This came as sort of a weird realization at about 8:27am when I finished up my attempt at working out and scrambled to the shower and was back in my room by 8:34. That's a 7 minute shower, including walking and water temperature adjusting time. I think perhaps I missed my calling and should have joined the army. I would have been the first to die, but I would have been the most efficient at showering.
Speaking of calling, I get a new cell phone in 12 days. This is awesome because I went from "my cell phone is ok" to "I hate this piece of shit and would like to melt it with a blow torch but I need it since I don't actually have a landline and I will be the first to admit that being disconnected from the outside world for any length of time freaks me out even though I didn't even have a cell phone until 5 years ago and managed to survive until then." The hatred is deep and it's real. But this does mean that I get to be all bouncy and do all kinds of research on new fun phones. And yes, I get bouncy when doing research. It's the utter geek in me. The Thespian has a bunch of websites he keeps forgetting to forward to me about cell phones and what people's real opinions of them are. Oh, and if you have a cell that you are absolutely in love with, let me know! Opinions are very welcome.
Unless you are Miss Yankee. I say this because she did not approve of any of the 4 pairs of shoes I got this weekend. Yes, I said 4. What? You know what? You can take that disdain and overall negativity and go elsewhere because HERE we love shoes. They are great things. What warranted me getting 4 pairs, you ask? Well, 2 of my shoes were very much on my way out and were falling apart, so I had to replace them. Then, I needed (yes, needed...shuttup) a pair of red heels to go with a couple of outfits that would be more complete with said red heels. And then I found a cute pair of canvass sneakers reminiscent of a pair I had in 5th grade. Oh, and to jump back, Miss Yankee also does not get a say in my cell phone purchasing because she refused to pay for the phone insurance and then dropped her phone in the toilet. Yes, the toilet.
And now for the social commentary section. So, I attended the same Passover seder my family generally attends at our good friends' house. Nothing super unusual happened. By super unusual, I mean outside of the usual chaos. For those of you not at all familiar with Passover, the seder is basically a meal that goes in a special order, complete with reading text at the table. Every year we read the same text and discuss the same story (the whole Jews leaving Egypt and wandering in the desert for 40 years before being allowed into the Promised Land. You may remember this from The Ten Commandments or The Prince of Egypt). There are about 20 pages of text that goes something like this:
Rabbi Whoziwhatzit says that there were 20 plagues because he could not count.
Rabbi Whogamawhozit, son of Unpronounceable, says that there were 400 plagues because his calculator was broken.
Rabbi Whatizname, son of Whogamawhozit, friend of Whoziwhatzit, and overall swell guy, claims that the plagues didn't happen and that they were all in our head and was stoned to death over this blasphemous proclamation. We do not speak of him anymore.
Personally, I have a hard time swallowing a lot of this stuff as absolute truth anyway, but I think a large part of it is because I'm an English major and we read into stuff naturally. So, yeah, maybe life sucked for the Egyptians for a while and then the Jews escaped persecution (the first of many times to come) but if the text says 10 plagues, can't we all just agree that since we weren't there and don't know for sure, it's supposed to be the kind of thing where 10 really shitty things happened? I mean, if 10 things happened 10 fold, then yes, that is 100 things that happened, but still...just...let it be. The Rabbis didn't have an answer and I doubt we will have one ourselves.
Kaiser Wilhelm III will probably disagree with me on this. From what I can tell, he and his father like to debate every aspect of the story of the Exodus which is more than fine. I enjoy watching them debate it. I enjoy making snarky sarcastic remarks to help them with said debating. What I find utterly hysterical, however, is when we go around the table and read out loud. We all take a paragraph so that no one is stuck reading it all. You have your typical boring readers (like my father) who read everything as though there is no inflection and Ben Stein is your own personal storytelling hero. Then you have the overly dramatic readers who over emphasize things ("Thus said the LORD") that don't really make sense being emphasized. And then you have the "new" readers. The new readers are my favorite because they cause little scenarios like this:
Seder leader: New Reader, your turn.
New Reader: And...then...Aaron...d-well...dwelled? in the land of the ancestors but sawjurned-
SL: Sojourned.
NR: Saw-jurned.
SL: Sojourned.
NR: Saw-JURNED.
SL: Sojourned.
NR: SAW-jun-ed.
SL: Lived.
Kaiser Wilhelm III: No! They didn't live there! It says that they sojourned but did not stay to settle.
NR: Sojourned.
NR: Saw-journed until the time of the...
Or this one:
NR: Mount See-nay-
SL: Mount Sinai.
NR: See-nay?
SL: The mountain. The big one.
Between this and The New Reader's insistence that he is not a slave and shouldn't be forced to help out with anything, it was quite the amusing meal.
This came as sort of a weird realization at about 8:27am when I finished up my attempt at working out and scrambled to the shower and was back in my room by 8:34. That's a 7 minute shower, including walking and water temperature adjusting time. I think perhaps I missed my calling and should have joined the army. I would have been the first to die, but I would have been the most efficient at showering.
Speaking of calling, I get a new cell phone in 12 days. This is awesome because I went from "my cell phone is ok" to "I hate this piece of shit and would like to melt it with a blow torch but I need it since I don't actually have a landline and I will be the first to admit that being disconnected from the outside world for any length of time freaks me out even though I didn't even have a cell phone until 5 years ago and managed to survive until then." The hatred is deep and it's real. But this does mean that I get to be all bouncy and do all kinds of research on new fun phones. And yes, I get bouncy when doing research. It's the utter geek in me. The Thespian has a bunch of websites he keeps forgetting to forward to me about cell phones and what people's real opinions of them are. Oh, and if you have a cell that you are absolutely in love with, let me know! Opinions are very welcome.
Unless you are Miss Yankee. I say this because she did not approve of any of the 4 pairs of shoes I got this weekend. Yes, I said 4. What? You know what? You can take that disdain and overall negativity and go elsewhere because HERE we love shoes. They are great things. What warranted me getting 4 pairs, you ask? Well, 2 of my shoes were very much on my way out and were falling apart, so I had to replace them. Then, I needed (yes, needed...shuttup) a pair of red heels to go with a couple of outfits that would be more complete with said red heels. And then I found a cute pair of canvass sneakers reminiscent of a pair I had in 5th grade. Oh, and to jump back, Miss Yankee also does not get a say in my cell phone purchasing because she refused to pay for the phone insurance and then dropped her phone in the toilet. Yes, the toilet.
And now for the social commentary section. So, I attended the same Passover seder my family generally attends at our good friends' house. Nothing super unusual happened. By super unusual, I mean outside of the usual chaos. For those of you not at all familiar with Passover, the seder is basically a meal that goes in a special order, complete with reading text at the table. Every year we read the same text and discuss the same story (the whole Jews leaving Egypt and wandering in the desert for 40 years before being allowed into the Promised Land. You may remember this from The Ten Commandments or The Prince of Egypt). There are about 20 pages of text that goes something like this:
Rabbi Whoziwhatzit says that there were 20 plagues because he could not count.
Rabbi Whogamawhozit, son of Unpronounceable, says that there were 400 plagues because his calculator was broken.
Rabbi Whatizname, son of Whogamawhozit, friend of Whoziwhatzit, and overall swell guy, claims that the plagues didn't happen and that they were all in our head and was stoned to death over this blasphemous proclamation. We do not speak of him anymore.
Personally, I have a hard time swallowing a lot of this stuff as absolute truth anyway, but I think a large part of it is because I'm an English major and we read into stuff naturally. So, yeah, maybe life sucked for the Egyptians for a while and then the Jews escaped persecution (the first of many times to come) but if the text says 10 plagues, can't we all just agree that since we weren't there and don't know for sure, it's supposed to be the kind of thing where 10 really shitty things happened? I mean, if 10 things happened 10 fold, then yes, that is 100 things that happened, but still...just...let it be. The Rabbis didn't have an answer and I doubt we will have one ourselves.
Kaiser Wilhelm III will probably disagree with me on this. From what I can tell, he and his father like to debate every aspect of the story of the Exodus which is more than fine. I enjoy watching them debate it. I enjoy making snarky sarcastic remarks to help them with said debating. What I find utterly hysterical, however, is when we go around the table and read out loud. We all take a paragraph so that no one is stuck reading it all. You have your typical boring readers (like my father) who read everything as though there is no inflection and Ben Stein is your own personal storytelling hero. Then you have the overly dramatic readers who over emphasize things ("Thus said the LORD") that don't really make sense being emphasized. And then you have the "new" readers. The new readers are my favorite because they cause little scenarios like this:
Seder leader: New Reader, your turn.
New Reader: And...then...Aaron...d-well...dwelled? in the land of the ancestors but sawjurned-
SL: Sojourned.
NR: Saw-jurned.
SL: Sojourned.
NR: Saw-JURNED.
SL: Sojourned.
NR: SAW-jun-ed.
SL: Lived.
Kaiser Wilhelm III: No! They didn't live there! It says that they sojourned but did not stay to settle.
NR: Sojourned.
NR: Saw-journed until the time of the...
Or this one:
NR: Mount See-nay-
SL: Mount Sinai.
NR: See-nay?
SL: The mountain. The big one.
Between this and The New Reader's insistence that he is not a slave and shouldn't be forced to help out with anything, it was quite the amusing meal.
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