Everyone has them. Everyone tries really hard not to have them, but let's face it: there are just certain things other people do that make you want to magically call a falling piano to drop on their head so that you will never have to deal with their mere stupidity again.
Now, the thing is, generally I'm a chill person who doesn't get hung up on stupid things like this, but here is a small list of things I will never, EVER be okay with:
1. In professional emails (like, any email that is going to contacts outside of your office or business-related in-office emails) should not have the following phrases: lol, omg, ttyl, hotness, or any sort of emoticon (:-), :-(, etc.) especially when going to multiple people. I just think that the following email is somewhat outrageous:
Hey everyone,
The new coffee machine is hotness and I just wanted to collect $1 from everyone so that we can buy the new coffee that is required to use with it lol. If there are any coffee flavors you don't like, just let me know :-) Also, there are extra copies of directions on how to use it by the fax machine hehe. Omg, and in case I forget to tell you in person, we finally got a shipment of paperclips in! Woo-hoo!
Granted, this email wasn't from my office, which I'm super grateful for. But I do feel really bad for Mr. Watermelon whose office is apparently constantly sending things like that to each other. It's like he's working with 16 year old girls.
And speaking of which...
2) Girls who insist that they are absolutely helpless without a guy to do something for them. While I do understand that biologically the male form is built to be stronger than the female form (if you want to argue this point with me, call me and I will be glad to tell you why you're wrong you silly womyn...womyne? What WOULD be the plural?) there is no reason to stand helplessly at a curb batting your eyes at strangers while holding on tightly to a large suitcase. I witnessed this very thing this afternoon at the train station. This girl lugged the suitcase to the front of the station (all the while making a big production out of it and periodically stopping to look to see who was paying attention) and then immediately put on her best "boo, I may cry at any given moment" face. When a guy finally asked her if she needed help, she tilted her head to one side and looked at the ground and said, "oh, I feel bad asking." This makes me hate having a vagina.
3) Hairdressers who don't quite listen to you as you get your hair cut. Granted, I had an unusual hair cutting experience in and of itself (which I'll be posting about sometime later, I'm sure) but this woman just kept talking and talking and suddenly my bangs were...short. I've had bangs on and off for the past two years or so, but...well...I'm pretty sure that Punky Brewster bangs went out when the show was canceled in 1988...which is about the last time I sported bangs like this. I was 5.
4) Cookie and Candy. No, not the sweets. The stage mothers who are friends and who are seriously named Cookie and Candy. Candy has taken to waiting for me outside work in the morning so that as I walk in I have no choice but to talk to her. I've actually taken to pretending to be on my cell phone to look extra busy.
5) People who move my bookmarks. I may not be reading the book currently, but there's a reason the marker is at the page it's at. I haven't yet moved all of my books to my new place yet and my mom found a pile of books and as she was cleaning. She informed me that she found a bunch of great bookmarks in my books and started a collection. *sigh*
Ok, that's all for tonight. I'm tired and it was a really ridiculous day and I have to figure out how to make my hair look not insane.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
Because sometimes you just don't know what to expect...
So I was going through some old emails from back in the day and I came across one that I really was...surprised about. I had totally forgotten this and now I feel the need to share it with you just because it pretty much sums up my nutjob relationships with strangers lately.
The backstory is that I posted a personals ad on a site in early fall because I was feeling down. Mind you, it wasn't really a personal ad in the sense that I was looking to meet someone for real, but I was looking to get confirmation that there were actually people out there who were genuine and down to earth and weren't wishy-washy about what they wanted. So, my ad basically said that I was looking for an A. J. from Empire Records--a guy who was artistic and creative and who knew himself well enough to know what it was he wanted out of life and was adorably cute about getting the courage up to go for it. He's intensely loyal to his friends and deeply cares about much more than just himself. That being said, here is a response I got:
Ok, here's the thing. I don't think you've ever watched Empire Records . The A.J. character was anything but "straightforward….and (not) afraid to get what he wants." He fawns the whole movie (as he presumably has his pubescent years) over Corey Mason and does nothing about it. He gets all pouty when she has her big crush on Rex Manning and is all afraid to go to college because he won't be near her anymore. But he never once told her how he felt until she had her sudden epiphany about what a super sweet boy he is and how she needed to settle down with the nice guy at the ripe old age of 18 before it got too late. That and the record store that A.J. made a cardboard donation sign for managed to not get taken over by the Sam Goody-esq chain. So if a happy ending falling into you lap qualifies as "not being afraid to go after what he wants" then I suppose saying "Bless You" to you when you sneeze is equivalent to a marriage proposal.
Also, is your life so clichéd and boring that you secretly wish for Loyld Dobbler to hold up a boombox or have some douche say something pre-planned like "You had me at hello (hey, this email is connected to Rennee Zellwegger in two ways!)" or "You make me want to be a better man"? Yes, movies are a great diversion and always fun to watch, but the problem with comparing potential suitors to characters professional writers create is that the second your relationship stops being moonbeams and rainbows you'll say something like "The spark is gone" or another of those "it's not you, it's me" crap lines to get out of a this "awful relationship." Grow up, dummy.
One more thing. Of all the movies to choose, why Empire Records? That movie is so hacknyed and weak. It's the most blatant of the Gen-X cash in's. Ohh, check out all these hip kids. They dress so cool and work in a record store! Oh man, what an awesome job! Oh man, this super smart existential kid wears leather, drives a motorcycle, and went to AC on a whim! He's like a modern day James Dean! Decent enough soundtrack, though.
The funniest part of this whole email (and your posting) is how I am straightforward and honest and not afraid to get what I want. But, because you've already pigeonholed anyone who you may meet, you won't get past my dislike for Empire Records, or any of my legitimate criticisms of your posting. So yup, by your estimation I'm not kind or generous. Just some asshole with nothing better to do on a Wednesday night. And that is true. But that doesn't mean I'm not right either.
Oh, my intials are AJ. So there, take that.
Peace, love, and a forceful reiteration of all the above,
A*** J****
Well, I was somewhat taken aback that someone would respond so strongly. And at first, I was going to dismiss it completely. And then, after a glass of wine, I thought about it. Who the hell was this guy? And why did he take so much time to negatively respond to a stranger's posting? I mean, what the hell did I do to him that a single posting was offending him so much? Obviously, this wasn't about me, but then again, why should I go and take it as he gets some crazy frustration out on a complete stranger? Here is my response:
First of all, if anyone has pigeonholed anyone, you've pigeonholed me. I never asked if anyone liked the movie, just if they've seen it. I never said that people weren't allowed their own opinion on the movie, nor did I offer mine. In fact, I don't believe I wrote "this is the greatest movie of all time and I will only date people who agree with me!" or "if you do not like this movie you had better not respond to my post!" You, in fact, do not know if I liked the movie as a whole or not, only that a single character from said movie carries characteristics I may be looking for.
Second of all, while yes, A.J. certainly does hem and haw over what to do about Corey, he DOES know what he wants out of life and he DOES put himself out there in terms of his art. For the record, it wasn't Corey's sudden epiphany that made A.J. tell her how he felt; it was her epiphany that changed her mind about him in the end. He blurts out his feelings for her in the middle of the movie just after she attempts to sleep with Rex Manning.
Third of all, no one said anything about my unrealistic views of relationships or wanting Lloyd Dobbler hanging outside my window. I am sick of dating men with ulterior motives or men who do not understand themselves well enough to know what they are feeling or what they want out of life. If my using a character from a movie to illustrate this point (a reference that came out of a conversation with friends, not an unrealistic fairy-tale-like standard of relationships) truly offends you, why respond at all?
I don't want preplanned, perfectly written lines, nor am I the type of person who rushes to end things when the "honeymoon" period ends. Fact of the matter is, you decided a lot about me based on a single post without ever considering that I may be nothing like the wishy-washy bitchy girl you've described, then you've accused me of doing just that to you.
To be more specific, what I want in a guy is someone who is good-humored, sensitive, creative, sweet, generous, unafraid of life, and mature enough to know himself without being threatened by the fact that I know myself. A.J. would be the only movie character I could think of that embodied these traits. While your criticisms may be legitimate, they were based largely in incorrect assumptions, the least of which is that I base kindness and generosity on someone's opinion of a single movie.
Finally, for all you know, I could have be an amazing girl who encompasses all that you are looking for and who, according to you, is looking for you as well. The unfortunate thing is that your hypocrisy and quick-to-judge attitude has closed you off to even considering the fact that perhaps someone was simply trying to be somewhat witty and different when posting a personal ad.
I will agree with you on one point: you are just some asshole with nothing better to do on a Wednesday night.
Best,
Hesper
So, you can imagine my surprise when he responded AGAIN:
I usually don't do this, but I feel compelled to apologize over being such a monster dick on Wednsday. I was having an almost comically awful day on Wednsday, so to take the edge off, I had a few too many stiff drinks. That's not an excuse, but I figure a little backstory helps. Somehow I turned my dislike for Empire Records into a long winded diaatribe against some stranger. So anyway. I'm sorry. And this isn't a seeking forgiveness, because I really don't expect you to reply to this or whatever. Just, for some reason, and it doesn't happen often, I do feel legitmally bad for making myself laugh at an angry letter I write.
Additionally, I was sort of pleased to see you respond back with a coherant, insightful "fuck you" response to the aformentioned dickness. Not taking shit from assholes is a good quality to have. Don't ever lose it.
Anyway, I've got to drive to Washington, so I'm going to wrap this up. Once again, a thousand pardons.
Adios,
A*** J****
I responded just to tell him that I appreciated the apology but didn't elaborate further because I didn't feel there was much point. I mean, everything that needed to be said was said. I was impressed with his handling of uber-bitchy me, though.
I guess my point is that I was surprised when he actually responded to my bitch-him-out email, but more importantly, he apologized. I mean, I only bitched him out because he was clearly taking out a lot of pent-up issues on me and I wasn't in the mood to take it and he actually apologized. Apologized and complimented me on bitching him out. Strangers will surprise you, I guess, but it makes me glad that I have a backbone and that I won't just sit back and take it.
The backstory is that I posted a personals ad on a site in early fall because I was feeling down. Mind you, it wasn't really a personal ad in the sense that I was looking to meet someone for real, but I was looking to get confirmation that there were actually people out there who were genuine and down to earth and weren't wishy-washy about what they wanted. So, my ad basically said that I was looking for an A. J. from Empire Records--a guy who was artistic and creative and who knew himself well enough to know what it was he wanted out of life and was adorably cute about getting the courage up to go for it. He's intensely loyal to his friends and deeply cares about much more than just himself. That being said, here is a response I got:
Ok, here's the thing. I don't think you've ever watched Empire Records . The A.J. character was anything but "straightforward….and (not) afraid to get what he wants." He fawns the whole movie (as he presumably has his pubescent years) over Corey Mason and does nothing about it. He gets all pouty when she has her big crush on Rex Manning and is all afraid to go to college because he won't be near her anymore. But he never once told her how he felt until she had her sudden epiphany about what a super sweet boy he is and how she needed to settle down with the nice guy at the ripe old age of 18 before it got too late. That and the record store that A.J. made a cardboard donation sign for managed to not get taken over by the Sam Goody-esq chain. So if a happy ending falling into you lap qualifies as "not being afraid to go after what he wants" then I suppose saying "Bless You" to you when you sneeze is equivalent to a marriage proposal.
Also, is your life so clichéd and boring that you secretly wish for Loyld Dobbler to hold up a boombox or have some douche say something pre-planned like "You had me at hello (hey, this email is connected to Rennee Zellwegger in two ways!)" or "You make me want to be a better man"? Yes, movies are a great diversion and always fun to watch, but the problem with comparing potential suitors to characters professional writers create is that the second your relationship stops being moonbeams and rainbows you'll say something like "The spark is gone" or another of those "it's not you, it's me" crap lines to get out of a this "awful relationship." Grow up, dummy.
One more thing. Of all the movies to choose, why Empire Records? That movie is so hacknyed and weak. It's the most blatant of the Gen-X cash in's. Ohh, check out all these hip kids. They dress so cool and work in a record store! Oh man, what an awesome job! Oh man, this super smart existential kid wears leather, drives a motorcycle, and went to AC on a whim! He's like a modern day James Dean! Decent enough soundtrack, though.
The funniest part of this whole email (and your posting) is how I am straightforward and honest and not afraid to get what I want. But, because you've already pigeonholed anyone who you may meet, you won't get past my dislike for Empire Records, or any of my legitimate criticisms of your posting. So yup, by your estimation I'm not kind or generous. Just some asshole with nothing better to do on a Wednesday night. And that is true. But that doesn't mean I'm not right either.
Oh, my intials are AJ. So there, take that.
Peace, love, and a forceful reiteration of all the above,
A*** J****
Well, I was somewhat taken aback that someone would respond so strongly. And at first, I was going to dismiss it completely. And then, after a glass of wine, I thought about it. Who the hell was this guy? And why did he take so much time to negatively respond to a stranger's posting? I mean, what the hell did I do to him that a single posting was offending him so much? Obviously, this wasn't about me, but then again, why should I go and take it as he gets some crazy frustration out on a complete stranger? Here is my response:
First of all, if anyone has pigeonholed anyone, you've pigeonholed me. I never asked if anyone liked the movie, just if they've seen it. I never said that people weren't allowed their own opinion on the movie, nor did I offer mine. In fact, I don't believe I wrote "this is the greatest movie of all time and I will only date people who agree with me!" or "if you do not like this movie you had better not respond to my post!" You, in fact, do not know if I liked the movie as a whole or not, only that a single character from said movie carries characteristics I may be looking for.
Second of all, while yes, A.J. certainly does hem and haw over what to do about Corey, he DOES know what he wants out of life and he DOES put himself out there in terms of his art. For the record, it wasn't Corey's sudden epiphany that made A.J. tell her how he felt; it was her epiphany that changed her mind about him in the end. He blurts out his feelings for her in the middle of the movie just after she attempts to sleep with Rex Manning.
Third of all, no one said anything about my unrealistic views of relationships or wanting Lloyd Dobbler hanging outside my window. I am sick of dating men with ulterior motives or men who do not understand themselves well enough to know what they are feeling or what they want out of life. If my using a character from a movie to illustrate this point (a reference that came out of a conversation with friends, not an unrealistic fairy-tale-like standard of relationships) truly offends you, why respond at all?
I don't want preplanned, perfectly written lines, nor am I the type of person who rushes to end things when the "honeymoon" period ends. Fact of the matter is, you decided a lot about me based on a single post without ever considering that I may be nothing like the wishy-washy bitchy girl you've described, then you've accused me of doing just that to you.
To be more specific, what I want in a guy is someone who is good-humored, sensitive, creative, sweet, generous, unafraid of life, and mature enough to know himself without being threatened by the fact that I know myself. A.J. would be the only movie character I could think of that embodied these traits. While your criticisms may be legitimate, they were based largely in incorrect assumptions, the least of which is that I base kindness and generosity on someone's opinion of a single movie.
Finally, for all you know, I could have be an amazing girl who encompasses all that you are looking for and who, according to you, is looking for you as well. The unfortunate thing is that your hypocrisy and quick-to-judge attitude has closed you off to even considering the fact that perhaps someone was simply trying to be somewhat witty and different when posting a personal ad.
I will agree with you on one point: you are just some asshole with nothing better to do on a Wednesday night.
Best,
Hesper
So, you can imagine my surprise when he responded AGAIN:
I usually don't do this, but I feel compelled to apologize over being such a monster dick on Wednsday. I was having an almost comically awful day on Wednsday, so to take the edge off, I had a few too many stiff drinks. That's not an excuse, but I figure a little backstory helps. Somehow I turned my dislike for Empire Records into a long winded diaatribe against some stranger. So anyway. I'm sorry. And this isn't a seeking forgiveness, because I really don't expect you to reply to this or whatever. Just, for some reason, and it doesn't happen often, I do feel legitmally bad for making myself laugh at an angry letter I write.
Additionally, I was sort of pleased to see you respond back with a coherant, insightful "fuck you" response to the aformentioned dickness. Not taking shit from assholes is a good quality to have. Don't ever lose it.
Anyway, I've got to drive to Washington, so I'm going to wrap this up. Once again, a thousand pardons.
Adios,
A*** J****
I responded just to tell him that I appreciated the apology but didn't elaborate further because I didn't feel there was much point. I mean, everything that needed to be said was said. I was impressed with his handling of uber-bitchy me, though.
I guess my point is that I was surprised when he actually responded to my bitch-him-out email, but more importantly, he apologized. I mean, I only bitched him out because he was clearly taking out a lot of pent-up issues on me and I wasn't in the mood to take it and he actually apologized. Apologized and complimented me on bitching him out. Strangers will surprise you, I guess, but it makes me glad that I have a backbone and that I won't just sit back and take it.
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