I'm a bad girl

No, not a dirty girl who needs to be punished, you perv. I mean I'm actually bad at being female. It's like every other girl took this course in being a girl and I somehow got my transcripts all messed up and I ended up taking something incredibly not useful like Perpetually Distracted and Somewhat Disoriented 101. It's not that I'm good at being male either, so I'm just sort of in this obnoxious in-between genders place. Omni-gendered if you will. I'd say androgynous but that's not quite right either.

Part of it is that I'm just not comfortable being the damsel in distress a lot of the time. It takes a lot for me to open up to people so being that vulnerable and needing someone else's help in a big way is scarier than the thing causing the need for help. So, instead of just asking for help or letting people do things for me, I tend to go out of my way to NOT let people do things for me. For example, when I twisted my knee horribly out of whack and was walking around in a hip-to-ankle brace, I wouldn't let Sputz make me dinner because I was frustrated with myself for not being physically able to do normal things.

The other part of it is that I was always somewhat of a tomboy so being treated uber girly isn't quite comfortable for me. I mean, neither is being treated like I'm the guy in the relationship. I guess that's part of why I'm so pro-equalness, especially because I don't want to be stuck in one positon or another.

I'm sure my dating history plays a major part in it as well. It's funny because I had a very long and strange conversation with my ex whom I will fondly refer to as The Moron (he knows why and has agreed to let me refer to him as such...and by "agreed" I mean that the alternative name he gave me to use was Mr. Big Boy and I refuse to use that) and he was saying that the person I am now isn't the person I was at all when we dated. It was actually really good because it sort of reminded me of who I want to become again because I know I've lost some innocence and have become very cynical over the years. The thing that struck me the most was that he said that I hadn't lost my silliness or child-like wonder for some things. In fact, here were his exact words (yay aim): "It's funny because no matter how old you get, you still look at life the same way you always did, like at first it just amazes you and then you slowly disect it and understand it and by the time you're done you can fully analyze it better than most. I guess that's why you're a poet."

It was also good to talk to him because, when I dated him, a lot of life hadn't happened yet and it was interesting to see what his perspective of me was then and what it is now.

It's been a good month for other people's perspective of me, really. I mean, I've sort of had the opportunity to see myself through other people's eyes more in recent times than ever before. In fact, Dr. V. made me a WeeMee, thus, according to her, if I were a cartoon, this is what I would look like:

Probably pretty accurate, especially the wearing black combined with long bangs falling in my eyes. At least I'm consistent, I suppose. Although now I am considering a dramatic haircut. Maybe something a bit more punky? Not in a Punky Brewster way, just a punk way. I don't want to dye it because I finally got all of the hair dye of the past 7 years out of my hair. Maybe I'll just get a piercing.