New Paltz and weekend update...not really all that sarcastic.

I'm exhausted but I'm going to post a blog anyway.

I went up to visit my sister in New Paltz with Miss Yankee today. Overall, I have to say it was quite the adventure. My father went to New Paltz back in the day, so we used to take all kinds of trips up there in the fall for apples and hiking and general day trip goodness so I'm fairly familiar with the area, but my father likes to give directions like "You'll see M&T Bank on your right and then you'll turn left" which is fine, until you realize that the point at which you would see the bank, you'd have to already be making the turn. He likes landmarkes like that. In any case, we got there fine and found my sister fine and decided to sort of lull about town a little bit.

For me, New Paltz has always sort of been the quintessential college town. It has all of these great restaurants and shops and the town feels like it never updated itself after 1968. Plus, it's a small town up in the mountains, which is ideal.

We found our family's usual apple place where we bought 2 large mums for my mom, a ton of apples and a bunch of cider and then took a drive up the huge mountain to our family's usual scenic place/hiking trails. Now, this sounds like it would be easy, but I assure you it is not. I forgot to ask my dad where we usually park and which site we usually go to, and by the time I realized this, we were halfway up the large mountain with no cell service to speak of. So I'm doing all of this from memory and the last time I was up there was probably six years ago. We drive past it. No worries, though, because I made a 4 disck soundtrack fo mp3's (about 1,000 songs) for this trip entitled the S&M Adventure. S&M being myself and Miss Yankee. And no, we do not dress in leather outfits or whip one another. Thanks for asking. Anyway, the soundtrack has all kinds of cheesy songs on it, so the three of us spent the day singing and being stupid. All the while, my poor sister sat in the back with the mums randomly attacking her and making my car smell vaguely like the woods after a really bad rainstorm. Except that the mums were really potent and making everyone in the car get various headaches and stomachaches.

Ok, clearly I am queen of the tangent. Anyway, we turn around and head back and I take the turn that I think could possibly be the place we want to go, but at this point, the park closes at 7 and it's around 5:30 so we may as well take the turn. Luckily, it's the right one. And I found the house I want to live in:
How perfect is that? Lost up in the woods, overlooking a great mountain. I'm sure it's hellish in the winter, but if everything goes to plan, I won't have to leave to go to work because Random House will realize that I am an amazing writer who should really get paid just to breathe the air and I can work from home. I'm fairly certain that the house is not for sale. In fact, I'm fairly certain that it is a landmark and is part of the state park. Bla bla bla, details.

So just as we're taking in the beauty and really starting to enjoy the weather, despite the light mist and humidity that was going on, we are attached by a ton of gnats. Gnats are the worst because you'll suck them right up your nose if you're not careful. And then, you feel like they're crawling in your hair for the rest of the night. So, we're standing on the edge of the cliff and we sort of scream about the gnats. And our screams our answered. Now, we weren't obnoxious "omg, we're so girly!" screaming. We, well I, was doing the noise of exasperation as yet another bug made my ears tickle. I hate ear tickling. Our screams are being answered. And yes, I'm sure you're now saying "right, because of the echo." Nope. I'm pretty sure that my scream would not be answered by a lower, deeper, testosterone filled voice. And my voice sounds like a little kid's, not a man's. Miss Yankee and my sister take turns screaming back at this testosterone-filled stranger. I roll my eyes. This continues for a few minutes until finally, Mr. Mystery screams, "SHUTTUP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" Right, because we started it. Oh, and it makes sense that you're trying to sleep at 5:30 in the afternoon on a Saturday. So we take off. Miss Yankee points out that it's ridiculous that we were flirting with boys while getting attacked by gnats, standing on the edge of a cliff. I point out that I don't think it counts as flirting if at the end of it, one of the boys tells us to shut up. Unless we're back in 4th grade.

All in all, I have to say that it was some serious good times and much needed mini-vacationing. I should really take more day trips to different places. Also, even though she will be mad at me for posting this incredibly flattering picture of her, I think my sister was glad to see me. At least I think she was. Then again, I'm at the tired point where my perception of things is way off, which I know because I thought about getting a drink of water and talked myself out of it becaus the kitchen is too far away. It's time for bed.

AARRRRRRRRRRR (not like a pirate)

Ok, I seriously need to get something off my chest. If I am at work and you feel the need to make fun of me because I am young and then hug me to make me feel better about myself, you may get a heavy, hard kick in the balls...and I wear pointy heals. I say this as fair warning so that when it happens you cannot say that I didn't warn you. Yes, I was in 7th grade when Clueless came out. Yes, I was wearing diapers when Culture Club first shocked the planet. And yes, ten years ago I was just getting out of my awkward phase consisting of plaid, bad bangs, and a deep love of Kurt Cobain. This does not mean that I am not qualified to do my job just because I am not a fat, prematurely balding tool. In fact, I think it makes me that much more qualified. Especially because 10 years ago, you were the same person you are now, but with more hair on your head.

I feel better now. Yes, the Tool is the same guy who thought I was engaged. And the same guy who decided to go over and bug our better half...I don't know how old he really is, but my guess is 30, going on 55 looks-wise and going on 20 emotionally. I'm not usually this harsh about someone's looks. In fact, so long as I'm not supposed to be judging them for something based on their looks (like when watching America's Next Top Model, The Biggest Loser, or Access Hollywood...for the record, I don't watch any of these, but you get my point), I rarely care about people's looks. But this guy...THIS GUY pisses me off.

Like today, when I was on the phone, he screams at me from his office (that has a door...I just have a cubicle) about something stupid and completely unimportant. AND THEN because I didn't answer him (because I was on the phone) he came into my cubicle and tapped me on the shoulder. Right. Because I'm going to say to the person, "Oh, hold on, my colleague wants me to pop my jaw out again so I can show him how I can lock it out of joint." Mind you, the only reason he knows I can pop my jaw out in the first place is because The Angry Squirrel and I went on a joint-popping spree at lunch today.

He just...doesn't get it. It's like he has no decorum for working in an office. And I understand that he's fairly new and proving himself, but The New Girl is totally cool. She's not loud and obnoxious and completely in everyone's face all the time.

And, on an unrelated related note, if you are gay and you are out, congratulations. If you are in the closet, I completely understand and I hope that one day you will have the courage to be out. If you are in the closet and are going to try to convince everyone that you are straight and you make up a girlfriend in order to do so, don't pretend to be dating a financial planner in the bank of a local branch that many local people use. Eventually it will come out that she does not know your name. At least say she's in Nebraska or someplace similar that no one in the office will visit and no one will accidentally bring you up on conversation.

Ok...so now that I've vented, I feel much better. It's been a really long week. Something like a gazillion hours long and next weekend is completely shot because I have to be at various street fairs. The Sunday one, the Morristown Fall Festival, is going to have puppets. I may be one of the costumed folk scaring, er, entertaining small children. We'll see how that all goes.

She's BAAAAAAAAAACK!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, she's back and she's crazier than ever. Who is this "she" you may ask?


MERRIANNA!

Critical Acclaim for Merrianna*:

"Just as dark and outrageous as [her] previous work....H[er] voice is so distinctive that [s]he exists as a genre unto h[er]self." -The Washington Post

"[Kowalsky's] language is urgent and tense, touched with psychopathic brilliance, h[er] images dead-on accurate...[S]he is an author who makes full use of the alchemical powers of fiction to synthesize a universe that mirrors our own fiction as a way of illuminating the world without obliterating its complexity." - LA Weekly

"Puts a bleakly humorous spin on self-help, addiction recovery, and childhood trauma...[Merrianna's] funny, mantra-like prose plows toward the mayhem it portends from the get-go." - The Village Voice

"Oddly, defiantly, happily addictive." - Daily News

"[Merrianna] shines a flashlight into America's dark corners...As darkly comic and starkly terrifying as your high school yearbook photo." - GQ



*The critical acclaim is actually for Chuck Palahnuik's Choke. Although small edits have been made, we feel the sentiments are what critics would have said if they had the opportunity to read Merrianna.



Anyway, here they are, Chapters 1-3. That's right, I added another chapter, biotch.



Chapter One

Merianna awoke suddenly from the storm. The wind had pushed at her window and had blown her white nightclothes off her bed, leaving her distractingly exquisite and barely clothed form exposed to the elements of the harsh Binghamton cold. When she had considered moving to Binghamton, it had seemed like a place full of romance and adventure, but now, the prospect of venturing out into the cold left Marianna feeling...wanting. Longing, even. Wanting and longing is, indeed, what she felt. And she needed some release from said wanting and longing.

With a groan, Merianna tore herself from her bed and moved swiftly across her carpeted room to her closet. Sifting through her extensive collection of French, silk bathrobes and negligees, she finally pulled out her favorite item of all: her purple lace bra and panty set with matching thigh highs and garter belt. Yes, despte her awakening, Merianna was going to make this a good day. She headed to the apartment's kitchen for some succulent melons for her breakfast (which of course, she would throw up later).

"Hey, there, sleepyhead." Merrianna stopped with a start! It was Frederico, her long-lost boyfriend who had ventrured off into Endicott in search of adventure and fulfillment, only to go missing for nearly three months. Merrianna had since moved on, taking many lovers in his long absense, because she could not bear the wrath of the cold, desolate reality of being alone.

"Frederico," she finally breathed, her breasts bouncing with her every word.

"Merrianna." Frederico rose from his chair at the table and floated towards her, sure to breathe in the scent of her skin.

"Frederico," she breathed again.

"Marianna." The intensity between them was still there, as was evident by their words of lust and love to each other. Without another word, Frederico took Merrianna by the waist and pulled her in close to his broad, hairless, needlessly exposed chest. Then, because the intensity was simply too intense for him, he kissed her, the kiss of a lover three months missing in Endicott.



Chapter Two

When he pulled away from the kiss, Frederico smiled, then shook his head, as though engulfed in a terrible conflict of will and desire. He pulled away slightly, then said, "Lo siento mucho, mi amor querido, pero nuestra relacion no puede seguir/continuar mas. He encontrado un nuevo amante en Endicott y ella me ama mas de lo que tu jamas podrias." Frederico spoke no English except for the phrase "hey there, sleepyhead" and, due to a horrible mix up in the public school he attended, only learned Spanish off of http://babelfish.altavista.com/tr and was therefore, very bad at speaking any language that did not involve his penis, which actually worked out well for him since his character is the stereotypical "Latin Lover." Unfortunately, one of the problems in their relationship had been that Merrianna didn't understand a word of Spanish, so she simply replied, "I missed you, too," as she began to unzip his jeans.

Frederico took her hands and peered into her eyes and said, " No puedo acostarme contigo porque seria deshonesto y causaria una maldicion sobre mi nueva relacion. Pero estoy seguro que sobarmela no es encontra de las reglas. My pene temblante espera el calor de tu boca, pero se en mi corazon que esto no es correcto. My corazon no te pertenece y te veo ahora simplemente como a una puta.."

Again, not knowing what in the world Frederico meant, but knowing that she awoke in a position to be, ahem, royally screwed, Merrianna seductively sat on the table, legs spread, and pulled Frederico to her, all the while using her right hand to manipulate his jeans so that she may better feel his quivering member, long lost for those three long, hard, lonely, months in which she had slept with nearly 30 other men.

Frederico bent over her, his mouth inches away from hers, their hearts beating in tune with one another's, neither aware of the world around them. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity of flowery description, she reached up and kissed him. Their passion and heat grew, heating their passion and passionately instensifying their heat. No, there had never been such heat, passion, or intensity in Binghamton before. Merrianna was left breathless after their intenset, passionate, heated kissing.

Suddenly, the lovers heard a door open and Frederico quickly jumped off of Merrianna, who tried to cover herself with her hands.

"Merrianna?" It was Lillianna, Kristianna, Orianna, and Liz, Merrianna's apartmentmates, who somehow managed to speak in unison. Upon seeing the compromising position their apartmentmate was in, it was Lillianna who spoke first, blurting out, "But it was my turn to sleep with Frederico!"

Kristianna gasped and gawked at Lillianna, screaming, "No, you slept with him just before he left for Endicott, it was my turn to sleep with him!"

"No it was mine!'' Because Orianna's name sucked the most, she was often shafted when it came to sexual pleasure. Also, people often mistook her for brand name of some sort.

"Jesus! Forget Frederico," chimed in Liz. "Merrianna, it's your turn to buy toilet paper and we're getting low, so if you could please run to Wal-mart, that'd be-"

"How can you think of something as vulgar as TOILET PAPER at a time like this?!?" Merrianna had no idea that Frederico was sleeping with the others, despite a very obvious schedule that had been posted on the refridgerator, next to Liz's notes about toilet paper, paper towels, and sponges. "The four of you disgust me and I will never be able to be friends with you ever again!"

"Oh, Merrianna, no! It's not what it seems! It's just some harmless sex! Please be our friend, we love you more than we love him!" The three other "-anna's" all pleaded with her. Their ample bosoms heaved with every plea, causing Frederico, who did not speak English, to grow more and more aroused at the sight.

"Oh lord," sighed Liz. "Why don't you ALL just sleep with Frederico? This is what I get for transferring. A bunch of whorish sorority girls with the brains of cockroaches." She turned from the kitchen and went to her room, slamming her door behind her. Within seconds, loud, angry girl music could be heard.

"That's not a bad idea," said Merrianna, as she again reached for Frederico's zipper.

Frederico, who still had no idea what was going on, realized that he was about to have sex with four women, none of whom were his fair love he had mentioned earlier in Spanish. Suddenly, he realized that he did not love any of them and therefore, he could not push his red, hot rod in between their fleshy, wet lips only to pull out and repeat several times, gradually increasing speed until finally reaching a dire moment of sheer unadulterated pleasure from which he would later come down from and rest easily against whichever of them he finished with and pulled sheets up around them to go to sleep (becaue the only rational thing to do after having sex is to go to sleep...there is never any clean up involved...at all). The devil in Frederico's mind said, "Que haces pibe? Te quieren! Te desean! Andale! " but the angel could only think of his love, so Frederico zipped up his pants and said, "Lo lamento pero debo irme. Estoy seguro que hay muchos hombres que te cojerian ya que vives en un campus de universidad y cualquiera que no sea terriblemente desfigurado pueden tener sexo. Adios.."

And as he closed the door behind him, Merrrianna burst into tears. "He was the only man I ever loved ................................................................................................................. so far ................................................................today!
The other three quickly rushed to her side to comfort her.

"Don't worry, I'm sure another man will walk into your life," said Kristianna. "They always do in this type of book. No girl is ever single for more than a page or two."

"That's right," Lillianna agreed. "If we order a pizza, one is bound to show up."

"Mmmmm...pizza..." interjected Orianna. "What? My name prevents me from having any kind of real relationship that goes below the waist, so I can fantasize about whatever it is that gets me off. Today, that thing is pizza."

"Ew," shuddered Merrianna.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Later that day, Merrianna thought about what the others had said about a man walking into her life. Could such a man really do so? If so, could he take the place of Frederico? And if he could, would that mean a serious relationship for Merrianna? One that lasted more than a couple of hours? And if that was also so, was she ready for such a commitment? Could she remember his last name?

Absentmindedly, Merrianna decided she would order a pizza, whether it was because the girls had earlier suggested it or whether she hoped that the delivery person was attractive enough to tip with sexual favors was irrelevant because all she knew at this point was that she wanted pizza, possibly with more desire than Orianna. And Orianna was not a thin girl. Nor was she an average-sized girl. Nor was she even fat. She was really just ugly and liked to eat a lot.

The voice on the other end of the phone was husky, sending shivers down Merrianna's still scantily clad body. "Adriano's," it said, the sounds of sex dripping off of every syllable.

"Yes, hi, I'd like to order a large cheese pizza," Merriann flirted back. She figured that she may as well find out if this pizza boy theory would lead somewhere fun.

"Is that all?" Oh, that voice, touching her in the most remote of remote places, so remote that they were probably left out of most anatomy books.

"Yes." Merrrianna could barely stand the tension between them.

"Delivery or pick up?" Merrianna gave a sigh; his words reached out to her, beckoning for her to go with him to naughty places of the night.

"Delivery," Merrianna whispered seductively.

"What?" The voice was doing it on purpose, teasing her until she begged for release.

"Delivery," she breathed again. "Campus delivery."

"Ok, it'll be ready in about 45 minutes."

"I can hardly wait." As she hung up the phone, Merrianna decided she would change again, slipping into something more seductive than her purple lace bra and matching panty set that you all may remember from the last chapter. Again, she searched her closet, hoping to find something, anything, that would match her mood. Finally she found it.

"My naked outfit!" she cried. She quickly removed the purple outfit and disgarded it on the floor in front of her mirror. Then, without missing a beat, she pulled on her naked outfit, careful that the air fit nicely around her curves. Yes, being a nudist was definately the way to catch a delivery boy's attention.

Before long, the doorbell rang and Merrianna raced to get it before her apartmentmates could pounce on her new love.

"Hi, that'll be, er...uh....oh god." The delivery person adverted his eyes to the ground, then to the sky, getting a quick glimpse of Merrianna's body in between, then back to the ground again. "Um, it's on the house...HERE." He pushed the pizza into her arms.

"Would you like to come in for a minute?"

"Um, that's actually against the restaurant's policy. I really have other deliveries to--" Merrianna pulled him in by his insulated pizza box bag.

"I've been waiting for you for nearly an hour," she purred. "I think you owe me something."

"Look, lady, I already gave you the pizza for free, what else do you want?" She grabbed his crotch, sure to make her message clear. "Uh, please let go of that. I have to go."

"You're not going anywhere." Merrianna pulled him into her room, locking the door behind her and placing the pizza on her desk. Then, she pushed him down on the bed and climbed on top of him. "This is going to be one delivery you're never going to forget." She clawed at his shirt, pulling off buttons that stood in her way. Then, when his bare chest was revealed (because there is no such thing as chest hair, apparently) she took his hand and let it to her breast, which was aching from lack of attention. His pizza-making hands immediately went to work, kneeding and flattening, pushing her breast into a large flat circle. She moaned in pleasure, knowing that finally she had found a lover whose skills would be useful. She leaned down and kissed him, hard and pure, because she deserved a man who could withstand a good kiss and he was just the man to ...deliver.



Chapter 3

Merrianna reached down to undo the pizza delivery boy's pants to finally reveal his large, throbbing flesh sword. She could hardly wait to stab herself repeatedly, pumping her hips to a rhythm of desire that would eventually build to a climactic spasm and release, the sword no doubt jabbing the inner recesses of her womanly canal. As she unzipped the zipper, her carnal desire was too hot for words, so instead, Merrianna simply moaned a loud, drowning moan of a maiden trapped under the desire of the sword, the desire of twitching pleasures only her prince could evoke.

"Oh!" Merianna gasped at the size.

"Yeah...um..." The pizza delivery guy was at a loss for words.

"You're a..."

"Girl, yeah..."

"Huh..."

"I thought the breasts would have given that away when you tore off my shirt in Chapter 2, but you seemed like you were on a mission."

"Well, it's been one of those days and I really, really need to get laid. I was actually thinking about how I would exclaim how big you were and I've never seen one quite so large while the author would go on to say how I felt a familiar itch between my legs at the mere glance at your trembling rod, but I guess we can skip that part. I'm Merrianna, by the way."

"Dawn. I'll just get going then."

"WAIT!" Merrianna looked at the pizza delivery girl, licked her lips and said, "I still want that special delivery." With an evil smirk, Merrianna pushed Dawn down to the bed and repositioned herself on top of her. "Let's see what those pizza making hands can do elsewhere." She bent down and kissed Dawn, a kiss that was obviously not that of "just friends" or else this scene would be really boring. Instead, it was the kiss of lovers, lovers with pizza awaiting them for a post-coital snack. It was hungry, veral, and above all, lesbian which made it taboo and somehow hotter. Not quite as taboo as gay men, but it’s up there in terms of things that would make extreme Republicans in the Bible Belt uncomfortable.

As Dawn's toungue intertwined with hers, Merrianna reached down to help her remove her pants, in one not-awkward dance-like movement that is only possible when you are making out with someone in a movie or book. Merrianna ached for Dawn's touch and wished, prayed really, as a last minute appeal to God that maybe, just maybe, she would grow a penis..? Not because Merrianna was against girl on girl action, it was just that she was really hoping for some real penetration rather just external stimulation. Admittedly, she liked that as well, it was just, if you could manage, God, Dawn would be better as a Doug or similar just so that she could really go through with that sword stuff she was looking forward to before.

Dawn pulled away from the kiss and looked deeply into Merrianna’s eyes. Merrianna could scarcely breathe as she waited for Dawn to say something, to pull her in close and treat her like the dirty whore she wanted so badly to be treated like. Dawn placed her hands on Merrianna’s shoulders and whispered, “I should go. I have pizzas waiting in the car and this is a little too weird for me.”

"It wasn’t weird for you a second ago!" style="font-family:georgia;">

“That was before you were praying out loud for me to grow a penis.” She gathered up her clothes and tried her best to close the shirt that Merrianna had ripped. "I think we’re done here."
A gust of wind wooshed through Merrianna’s soul and pulled at her heart. She felt empty and cold. She closed the door to the harsh Binghamton wind and pulled her sheets up around her. This was the second lover to leave her in only two chapters. There was no way around it: she was going to eat the entire pizza by herself and she wasn’t going to care about the calories or the fat content or the carbs.

The more she thought about it, the more the pizza seemed like a good idea, but she needed motivation to push on, to continue her meager existence as the campus slut, to rekindle the massive burning within her loins.

As she munched mindlessly on her slice while flipping even more mindlessly through VH1 Celeb Reality shows and E! True Hollywood Story reruns, she realized what was missing from her life. She craved passion and depth in a world of utter chaos and mundane activities. She needed drama and fire in a world of data entry and mild weather. She needed…to go to class.

Having realized the extreme genius of this epiphany, she quickly jumped up and put on her favorite school-girl uniform and check her class schedule to see if, by any grace of God or the devil, she was supposed to be attending a class at this time. She hadn’t been to one yet this semester, but she knew they were out there. Other people went and came back like tiny hairy messengers with a ring to destroy over mountain ranges through Middle Earth, full of new knowledge and conceptualizations of the “real world” and she would do it, too. Yes, Merrianna was going to attend her very first lecture in Linguistic Anthropology.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

William was pre-med major. He knew that if he could just follow in his father’s exact footsteps that life would work out perfectly for him in every way possible, in every way his pretentious Long Island family dreamed. He would be the forty-fifth generation to study medicine, tracing all the way back to his ancestor Marcus Frius who was a world-renowned alchemist and gynecologist for the Roman Army during its occupation of London before the British were really British. He had the Coat of Arms to prove it.

Not only that, his parents had been talking about him attending medical school and becoming a gynecologist since he was in preschool. In fact, for the first seven years of his life, he was a doctor for Halloween, despite his unending begging to be allowed to dress up as Ray from the Ghost Busters. Even now, as he walked across the snowy campus to his linguistic anthropology class, which is, of course, a complete coincidence, he remembered the agony and the emotional turmoil his mother had caused him.

Maybe he didn’t want to wear a stethoscope and confidently place it on women’s exposed chests, making them jump lightly at the sudden cold, causing their nipples to protrude. Maybe he wanted more from life than slipping his hands into a woman’s flesh box, examining her depths. Maybe he wanted more than health insurance forms and hospital visits and constant births.

William opened the doors to the lecture hall and took his usual place in the back right-hand corner, preparing to take a 90-minute nap. As he fluffed his winter coat into a pillow-like pouch, he noticed a girl, no, an angel walking in what seemed to be slow motion down the stairs, just past his seat. Her long blonde hair, wet with snow flakes, clung to her back, which gave way to her plaid skirt, short enough to reveal her long legs, covered only by what appeared to be thigh-highs held up with a garter belt. He had to sit next to her. This girl could certainly keep him awake through Professor Glick’s incessant speaking in Glickish about form and function.

Merrianna looked around at her new world. There were seats with desks attached on one side, giant screens in the front of the room, and above all else, boys. Everywhere. Just the thought of having her aches taken care of in front of all these other people made her lady jam flow. She knew that she would finally have or orgasmic dreams realized. Oh yes, here she would meet true love.

To be continued...

EDIT: I'd like to thank Flo for helping with the Spanish...what with her speaking it fluently and me not at all. You should really use the link and translate it into English to get the full effect of the story.

Secrets- EXPOSED!

We all have our secrets. In fact, I would go so far as to say that humans, by nature, are secretive creatures. Part of this, I'm sure, is because sometime in second grade we told the "cool" girl something embarrasing about ourselves in an attempt to become closer with her and she told the rest of the class, mocking us for the rest of the year about our teeny tiny crush on a kid named...shoot...what was his name? I want to say Ross, but I'm not completely sure. He had a really cool pencil case though. But anyway, the question is, which came first: the secrets or the pain?

I didn't realize how secretive I had become until a recent conversation with Miss Yankee who pointed out that I don't really let people touch my computer. Or my cell phone. Or my camera. Or anything that would give people any real glimpse into what my life is like. And after a couple of hiding porn jokes and a long stream of teasing, I thought about it. I really don't let people into my mundane, everyday life things. I mean, yeah, part of it is that my business is my business and I don't really want people reading text messages that could easily be taken out of context and thought of being something completely different. And while I don't really have much to hide in my computer's history, I don't want people asking me why I visited a site.

My real secrets, the things that really matter and are really important, are all things that I only trust with those who have proven themselves to me. And also, I have a decent amount of dirt on them as well. But something of dire importance has been bothering me lately. Something that I feel I should really post to get a good grip on reality.

So here it is.

I want a motorcycle.

That's right, you read correctly. I want a motorcycle. And not just that...I want to take a cross-country trip on said motorcycle. Armed only with enough clothing to get me through a very basic week, some basic necessities, a journal and a large novel. And possibly a camera, but that depends on how not-secretive I feel like being on this trip.

So everyone who knows me is probably thinking one of three things:
1) What? HESPER on a motorcycle? Can we say STITCHES?
2) Wow, I didn't expect this of her...it seems so random for Hesper.
3) This is a lousy secret. I kept reading for some real dirt and all I got was a confession about a motorcycle. I'm going to go see if she changed anything on her myspace profile.

So the idea would basically be to leave with enough money to get me to California and back in terms of gas and food, but I'd have to find temporary odd jobs to find places to sleep. Sort of a test in both my ability to be completely independant and completely on my own with a ton of unknowns and possibilities. And also, I would look amazingly cool on a motorcycle. Clearly, I've given this a lot of thought. I have my cute black leather jacket already picked out.

But in all seriousness, I really would like to do something crazy spontaneous like that. It doesn't have to be a long-drawn out cross-country trip, but maybe just a weekend where I just drive without any plans or directions and just see what happens.

So I guess my real secret is that I'm going to try to be more spontaneous and less anal about everything. Ok, no, that's a lie. I do really want a motorcycle. And not just for the cute jacket.