Sometimes I think about how I kind of don't want to have kids because I've been working really hard to stay in shape and having kids will ruin all of my hard work.
I wish I weren't serious.
The thing is, I've never been one to like exercise or go to the gym so the idea of spending 9 months feeling sick, uncomfortable, and generally fat only to have to work extra hard to get back to where I am right now is sort of unappealing. And by sort of, I mean completely.
I wish I weren't so vain about it but yeah...it really is kind of about my looks.
Maybe I'll just be the crazy kitten/puppy lady.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
My Continuing Annoyance At Local Papers
Today, upon opening up the New Jersey Herald, I found this headline glaring back at me:
America is a Christian Nation
This was news to me as I consider myself to be relatively well informed and hadn't seen that on any news reports nor do I remember learning this in school.
As it turns out, this was the headline the Herald opted to use for their "Letters to the Editor" section and the following is the original letter by a reader:
Editor:
This letter is in response to a letter printed Sept. 15 regarding the separation of church and state by Susan Jones.
Having read your editorial on the separation of church and state, I’d like to let you know a few things and maybe educate you on your topic. It seems that you accepted a “generic” prayer for the victims of 9/11. Prayer, defined as a devout petition or communion with none other than God, according to you, was “more religious than a town sponsored event should be.” Perhaps you might let the rest of us know where we might find such information, i.e., rules and regulations regarding same.
As for the separation of church and state, you did not include where one might find that law regarding same. You might be surprised to find out that there is no law regarding separation of church and state. That was merely a phrase coined by Thomas Jefferson in a letter from him to a friend at the Baptist Association of Danbury, Conn., shortly after he became president. Jefferson, in fact, made numerous declarations afterward about the constitutional inability of the federal government to regulate, restrict or interfere with religious expression. To put this in simpler terms for you, had you read the First Amendment, you would have discovered that it was created to prevent the federal establishment of a national denomination. If you really must be told, this country was founded on basic Biblical principle. In fact the pilgrims (God bless them) were so afraid that anarchy would break out once they arrived here that they created the Mayflower Compact, a short but Christian document that put them all in agreement to keep God’s laws intact for their survival.
You also might not know that the U.S. Supreme Court declared America a Christian nation in 1892. Now I repeat, the Supreme Court (law of the land) declared America (your home) a Christian (followers of Jesus Christ) nation. Benjamin Franklin didn’t have to convince any of our founding fathers to pray for our creator, because they already were doing that. One might deduce that we are in a moral free fall since Madeline O’Hare succeeded in removing the Bible from public schools to “protect” her school-age son, who is now an evangelical Christian, from Christianity. We are living in amazing times when a president attempts to declare that we are not a Christian nation. But that is OK, because Presidents Adams, Roosevelt, Wilson, Hoover, Truman and Nixon already beat him to it.
You might try a lesson in history and civics, and maybe a visit to a church, for the education you need.
Chris Janiec
Vernon
Using the resources I have available to me (read: the official government website as well as that of the Constitution) I wrote the following letter that I will be sending out tomorrow to the Herald:
This letter is in response to a letter to the editor from Chris Janiec of Vernon that ran Monday, September 21, 2009. He originally wrote it in response to a prayer read at a town-sponsored event.
In this letter, the following claims were made:
1) The First Amendment was created to prevent the federal establishment of a national denomination.
2) The Pilgrims were afraid of anarchy would ensue upon reaching the shore so they created a “Christian document” called the Mayflower Compact.
3) The U.S. Supreme Court declared America a Christian nation in 1892.
4) There is no law that forces a separation of church and state and the phrase came from a letter Thomas Jefferson sent shortly after becoming president.
I was astonished at the incredibly twisted and biased interpretation of these statements. Allow me to now correct a few facts.
1) The First Amendment reads as follows: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” (Found easily on the U.S. Government’s website under “Constitution”)
If Congress cannot make a law respecting an establishment of religion, then it is clear that Congress does not have the jurisdiction to declare America a Christian nation. While this does not choose a specific facet of Christianity, it does imply that all Americans are followers of Jesus Christ. Furthermore, even if Congress does not pick a specific sect of Christianity, it still discriminates any Americans who do not consider themselves to be Christian and forces them to associate governmental laws and mandates with Christian philosophies and principles that do not pertain to their religion of choice. The First Amendment very blatantly protects their right (as well as yours) to practice their religion in the United States.
2) The Pilgrims’ Mayflower Compact was lost but transcripts are available from a number of sources, including William Bradford’s journal Of Plymouth Plantation. This document does in fact have a number of references to God and was designed to be a guideline for how their new government would run. What needs to be said, however, is that the Pilgrims were escaping religious persecution for practicing their faith. This means that while the document may be Christian in nature, it makes sense because those who established the document and those who signed all belonged to the same faith. So yes, they were founding the first colony as a “Christian Colony.” At this point in history, the citizens of any given European country were expected to practice the religions of their kings. This is the way it had been for hundreds of years and this is the model the Pilgrims used to form their own government. This is not the case in modern America where we are not forced to practice the religion of our president nor do we all belong to the same faith.
3) The United States Supreme Court never ruled that America is officially and legally a Christian nation. If this were the case, then any number of court trials, including the one mentioned in Mr. Janiec’s letter about removing the Bible from public schools would not have been allowed.
The supposed ruling he was referring to came from a court trial, Church of the Holy Trinity v. United States, and was actually in regards to an employment contract between The Church of the Holy Trinity, New York and an English preacher. The act of 1885 prohibited the “importation and migration of foreigners and aliens under contract or agreement to perform labor in the United States, its territories, and the District of Columbia.”
The court ruled that the circuit court erred in concluding that the church could not hire an English minister. Justice Brewer stated that “America is a Christian nation” when explaining his reasoning for allowing the minister to work for the church. This statement was NOT the outcome or ruling of the Supreme Court. It was simply a statement that the justice used to introduce his explanation that he felt the country's moral ground (which he, as a Christian, felt was rooted in Christian principles) allowed for a soft interpretation of the Act of 1885 which was put into effect to prevent the hiring of illegal immigrants for American jobs.
4) Finally, while Thomas Jefferson may have coined the term “separation of church and state,” he and James Madison both have stated that the United States Constitution was drafted with this philosophy in mind and after the ratification of the Constitution in 1789, James Madison wrote “practical distinction between Religion and Civil Government is essential to the purity of both, and as guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States.” He goes on to say that “We are teaching the world the great truth that governments do better without Kings and Nobles than with them. The merit will be doubled by the other lesson that Religion flourishes in greater purity, without than with the aid of Government.” (These quotes can be found in Monopolies Perpetuities Corporations – Ecclesiastical Endowments by James Madison, found on the government’s website.)
The Constitution does mention religion specifically under the Establishment Clause and the Free Exercise Clause. Both mention a separation of church and state as well as focusing on state actions that may amount to a government establishment of religion.
So, Mr. Janiec, as you suggested that I might “try a lesson in history and civics and maybe a visit to a church for the education [I] need,” I suggest that you try your local library and be sure you know what you are quoting before making umbrella statements about the intention of our nation’s founding fathers or Supreme Court rulings.
Hesper
I'm sure there are people out there who will argue with me but please note that I never said our country was not founded on Judaic-Christian philosophies. It was. There is no arguing that. But to declare that our country is specifically Christian is to say that I, as well as many of my friends and family, can legally be discriminated against for not opting to accept Jesus as my savior. To be frank, while attending a town-sponsored event, I do not feel comfortable praying nor am I comfortable knowing my town has specifically chosen to pray when a moment of silence and personal meditation would have sufficed. This way, each individual is allowed the opportunity to reflect or pray to the higher power of his or her choice.
Also it annoys me when people use false facts, especially when they can easily be researched and confirmed or corrected.
America is a Christian Nation
This was news to me as I consider myself to be relatively well informed and hadn't seen that on any news reports nor do I remember learning this in school.
As it turns out, this was the headline the Herald opted to use for their "Letters to the Editor" section and the following is the original letter by a reader:
Editor:
This letter is in response to a letter printed Sept. 15 regarding the separation of church and state by Susan Jones.
Having read your editorial on the separation of church and state, I’d like to let you know a few things and maybe educate you on your topic. It seems that you accepted a “generic” prayer for the victims of 9/11. Prayer, defined as a devout petition or communion with none other than God, according to you, was “more religious than a town sponsored event should be.” Perhaps you might let the rest of us know where we might find such information, i.e., rules and regulations regarding same.
As for the separation of church and state, you did not include where one might find that law regarding same. You might be surprised to find out that there is no law regarding separation of church and state. That was merely a phrase coined by Thomas Jefferson in a letter from him to a friend at the Baptist Association of Danbury, Conn., shortly after he became president. Jefferson, in fact, made numerous declarations afterward about the constitutional inability of the federal government to regulate, restrict or interfere with religious expression. To put this in simpler terms for you, had you read the First Amendment, you would have discovered that it was created to prevent the federal establishment of a national denomination. If you really must be told, this country was founded on basic Biblical principle. In fact the pilgrims (God bless them) were so afraid that anarchy would break out once they arrived here that they created the Mayflower Compact, a short but Christian document that put them all in agreement to keep God’s laws intact for their survival.
You also might not know that the U.S. Supreme Court declared America a Christian nation in 1892. Now I repeat, the Supreme Court (law of the land) declared America (your home) a Christian (followers of Jesus Christ) nation. Benjamin Franklin didn’t have to convince any of our founding fathers to pray for our creator, because they already were doing that. One might deduce that we are in a moral free fall since Madeline O’Hare succeeded in removing the Bible from public schools to “protect” her school-age son, who is now an evangelical Christian, from Christianity. We are living in amazing times when a president attempts to declare that we are not a Christian nation. But that is OK, because Presidents Adams, Roosevelt, Wilson, Hoover, Truman and Nixon already beat him to it.
You might try a lesson in history and civics, and maybe a visit to a church, for the education you need.
Chris Janiec
Vernon
Using the resources I have available to me (read: the official government website as well as that of the Constitution) I wrote the following letter that I will be sending out tomorrow to the Herald:
This letter is in response to a letter to the editor from Chris Janiec of Vernon that ran Monday, September 21, 2009. He originally wrote it in response to a prayer read at a town-sponsored event.
In this letter, the following claims were made:
1) The First Amendment was created to prevent the federal establishment of a national denomination.
2) The Pilgrims were afraid of anarchy would ensue upon reaching the shore so they created a “Christian document” called the Mayflower Compact.
3) The U.S. Supreme Court declared America a Christian nation in 1892.
4) There is no law that forces a separation of church and state and the phrase came from a letter Thomas Jefferson sent shortly after becoming president.
I was astonished at the incredibly twisted and biased interpretation of these statements. Allow me to now correct a few facts.
1) The First Amendment reads as follows: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” (Found easily on the U.S. Government’s website under “Constitution”)
If Congress cannot make a law respecting an establishment of religion, then it is clear that Congress does not have the jurisdiction to declare America a Christian nation. While this does not choose a specific facet of Christianity, it does imply that all Americans are followers of Jesus Christ. Furthermore, even if Congress does not pick a specific sect of Christianity, it still discriminates any Americans who do not consider themselves to be Christian and forces them to associate governmental laws and mandates with Christian philosophies and principles that do not pertain to their religion of choice. The First Amendment very blatantly protects their right (as well as yours) to practice their religion in the United States.
2) The Pilgrims’ Mayflower Compact was lost but transcripts are available from a number of sources, including William Bradford’s journal Of Plymouth Plantation. This document does in fact have a number of references to God and was designed to be a guideline for how their new government would run. What needs to be said, however, is that the Pilgrims were escaping religious persecution for practicing their faith. This means that while the document may be Christian in nature, it makes sense because those who established the document and those who signed all belonged to the same faith. So yes, they were founding the first colony as a “Christian Colony.” At this point in history, the citizens of any given European country were expected to practice the religions of their kings. This is the way it had been for hundreds of years and this is the model the Pilgrims used to form their own government. This is not the case in modern America where we are not forced to practice the religion of our president nor do we all belong to the same faith.
3) The United States Supreme Court never ruled that America is officially and legally a Christian nation. If this were the case, then any number of court trials, including the one mentioned in Mr. Janiec’s letter about removing the Bible from public schools would not have been allowed.
The supposed ruling he was referring to came from a court trial, Church of the Holy Trinity v. United States, and was actually in regards to an employment contract between The Church of the Holy Trinity, New York and an English preacher. The act of 1885 prohibited the “importation and migration of foreigners and aliens under contract or agreement to perform labor in the United States, its territories, and the District of Columbia.”
The court ruled that the circuit court erred in concluding that the church could not hire an English minister. Justice Brewer stated that “America is a Christian nation” when explaining his reasoning for allowing the minister to work for the church. This statement was NOT the outcome or ruling of the Supreme Court. It was simply a statement that the justice used to introduce his explanation that he felt the country's moral ground (which he, as a Christian, felt was rooted in Christian principles) allowed for a soft interpretation of the Act of 1885 which was put into effect to prevent the hiring of illegal immigrants for American jobs.
4) Finally, while Thomas Jefferson may have coined the term “separation of church and state,” he and James Madison both have stated that the United States Constitution was drafted with this philosophy in mind and after the ratification of the Constitution in 1789, James Madison wrote “practical distinction between Religion and Civil Government is essential to the purity of both, and as guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States.” He goes on to say that “We are teaching the world the great truth that governments do better without Kings and Nobles than with them. The merit will be doubled by the other lesson that Religion flourishes in greater purity, without than with the aid of Government.” (These quotes can be found in Monopolies Perpetuities Corporations – Ecclesiastical Endowments by James Madison, found on the government’s website.)
The Constitution does mention religion specifically under the Establishment Clause and the Free Exercise Clause. Both mention a separation of church and state as well as focusing on state actions that may amount to a government establishment of religion.
So, Mr. Janiec, as you suggested that I might “try a lesson in history and civics and maybe a visit to a church for the education [I] need,” I suggest that you try your local library and be sure you know what you are quoting before making umbrella statements about the intention of our nation’s founding fathers or Supreme Court rulings.
Hesper
I'm sure there are people out there who will argue with me but please note that I never said our country was not founded on Judaic-Christian philosophies. It was. There is no arguing that. But to declare that our country is specifically Christian is to say that I, as well as many of my friends and family, can legally be discriminated against for not opting to accept Jesus as my savior. To be frank, while attending a town-sponsored event, I do not feel comfortable praying nor am I comfortable knowing my town has specifically chosen to pray when a moment of silence and personal meditation would have sufficed. This way, each individual is allowed the opportunity to reflect or pray to the higher power of his or her choice.
Also it annoys me when people use false facts, especially when they can easily be researched and confirmed or corrected.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Remember that time I had a blog?
I do.
It's been quite a while and I could bore you with all that's happened since I last wrote but I'll just summarize and say that I took a bit of a hiatus to find myself. I wish I had a less cliche reason but it's the unfortunate truth.
I'm currently working on a master's degree in library and information science. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to capitalize that or not so we'll just say that I should be getting an MSLIS by December, 2010 if all goes well. If not, Spring 2011 and if I don't do it by then, something horrible has happened to me because I am too motivated to just let it slip on by.
I don't really know what made me write tonight (the avoidance of homework, the sudden realization that I am far too old to spend most of my time sitting on the computer and yet I do it anyway, today feeling like the first day of fall and that makes me exceedingly happy) but here I am. At a ridiculous hour of the night. Not sleeping. Again.
That's the other thing - since I started the MSLIS program, I have somehow managed to revert back to my college hours which means I'm up until 3 or 4 am everyday working on stuff. What. The. Hell. I worked so hard to get on an adult schedule and once I start doing fieldwork and practicum hours I'm going to have to be on school time so this is really just setting me up for disaster.
I think the other thing that has me up and writing is the fact that while I've been doing the grad school thing, writing has taken a bit of a backburner. I don't just mean poetry and fiction and all that stuff I like to write, but like, emails to people who long over-due deserve them. I'm kind of a bad person when it comes to keeping in touch with people I really don't want to loose touch with. And don't get me started on holiday greeting cards. I know that there is some unwritten rule in ettiquette somewhere that says any girl over the age of 25 should send everyone she knows a greeting card. Being 26 now, I feel this pressure but my problem is that 1) most of my friends don't have real addresses. If they're not moving from apartment to apartment every year they're in school or temporarily living somewhere or, 2) if they do have a permanent address, I sure as hell don't know it because the majority of the interactions I've had with them in the last 6 months has been over Facebook. It's a really sad reality of the times, I suppose. This is my very long explanation as to why you should not expect a greeting card from me.
Also, they never make good secular ones that are just all "Hey, I'd like you to appreciate the winter during the holiday season." I can only seem to find mass produced boxes of "Happy Birthday, Jesus!" and "Christmas Is The Season" and "May the warmest wishes of Jesus' birthday follow you through the rest of the year, warming your heart and spirit with Christmas even if it's already hot out because it's July and the last thing you want to think about is making your heart any warmer." Maybe not that last one. And I honestly don't have anything against Jesus personally, it's just that as a Jewish girl I'm not likely to send my non-Jewish friends "Happy Hanukkah/Chanukkah/Hanukah/Chanuka" cards and I kind of don't want a Merry Christmas card. I've gotten into conversations with people where they tell me that I should accept well wishes no matter where they come from and yes, this is true. That being said, sending a very religious-based card to someone of a different faith has a certain arrogance to it that I don't think many people consider.
Having grown up in a not diverse by any stretch of the imagination town, I was often sort of the odd man out and by third grade, explaining Hanukkah got old. This isn't supposed to be a rant about how I was the misunderstood minority because that's not what I mean at all. I just feel that there is a weird double-standard in the card-giving world. If I give an overly religious card that celebrates Rosh Hashanah to non-Jewish friends, they'd consider it a joke and assume I was being funny. This could be that for other occasions, when Hallmark didn't seem to have the right style of humor, I've been known to congratulate someone on their newly expected baby instead of sending a birthday card (and no, they were neither expecting nor female). That being said, I'm expected to assume that an overly religious Christmas card from my friends is a simple wish of joy and happiness for the coming year. Why can't they just make a card that's all "Hey, this is the season society says that I give cards to people I care about, so here's yours." Of course, you still won't be getting one from me, I just wish they made them.
It's been quite a while and I could bore you with all that's happened since I last wrote but I'll just summarize and say that I took a bit of a hiatus to find myself. I wish I had a less cliche reason but it's the unfortunate truth.
I'm currently working on a master's degree in library and information science. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to capitalize that or not so we'll just say that I should be getting an MSLIS by December, 2010 if all goes well. If not, Spring 2011 and if I don't do it by then, something horrible has happened to me because I am too motivated to just let it slip on by.
I don't really know what made me write tonight (the avoidance of homework, the sudden realization that I am far too old to spend most of my time sitting on the computer and yet I do it anyway, today feeling like the first day of fall and that makes me exceedingly happy) but here I am. At a ridiculous hour of the night. Not sleeping. Again.
That's the other thing - since I started the MSLIS program, I have somehow managed to revert back to my college hours which means I'm up until 3 or 4 am everyday working on stuff. What. The. Hell. I worked so hard to get on an adult schedule and once I start doing fieldwork and practicum hours I'm going to have to be on school time so this is really just setting me up for disaster.
I think the other thing that has me up and writing is the fact that while I've been doing the grad school thing, writing has taken a bit of a backburner. I don't just mean poetry and fiction and all that stuff I like to write, but like, emails to people who long over-due deserve them. I'm kind of a bad person when it comes to keeping in touch with people I really don't want to loose touch with. And don't get me started on holiday greeting cards. I know that there is some unwritten rule in ettiquette somewhere that says any girl over the age of 25 should send everyone she knows a greeting card. Being 26 now, I feel this pressure but my problem is that 1) most of my friends don't have real addresses. If they're not moving from apartment to apartment every year they're in school or temporarily living somewhere or, 2) if they do have a permanent address, I sure as hell don't know it because the majority of the interactions I've had with them in the last 6 months has been over Facebook. It's a really sad reality of the times, I suppose. This is my very long explanation as to why you should not expect a greeting card from me.
Also, they never make good secular ones that are just all "Hey, I'd like you to appreciate the winter during the holiday season." I can only seem to find mass produced boxes of "Happy Birthday, Jesus!" and "Christmas Is The Season" and "May the warmest wishes of Jesus' birthday follow you through the rest of the year, warming your heart and spirit with Christmas even if it's already hot out because it's July and the last thing you want to think about is making your heart any warmer." Maybe not that last one. And I honestly don't have anything against Jesus personally, it's just that as a Jewish girl I'm not likely to send my non-Jewish friends "Happy Hanukkah/Chanukkah/Hanukah/Chanuka" cards and I kind of don't want a Merry Christmas card. I've gotten into conversations with people where they tell me that I should accept well wishes no matter where they come from and yes, this is true. That being said, sending a very religious-based card to someone of a different faith has a certain arrogance to it that I don't think many people consider.
Having grown up in a not diverse by any stretch of the imagination town, I was often sort of the odd man out and by third grade, explaining Hanukkah got old. This isn't supposed to be a rant about how I was the misunderstood minority because that's not what I mean at all. I just feel that there is a weird double-standard in the card-giving world. If I give an overly religious card that celebrates Rosh Hashanah to non-Jewish friends, they'd consider it a joke and assume I was being funny. This could be that for other occasions, when Hallmark didn't seem to have the right style of humor, I've been known to congratulate someone on their newly expected baby instead of sending a birthday card (and no, they were neither expecting nor female). That being said, I'm expected to assume that an overly religious Christmas card from my friends is a simple wish of joy and happiness for the coming year. Why can't they just make a card that's all "Hey, this is the season society says that I give cards to people I care about, so here's yours." Of course, you still won't be getting one from me, I just wish they made them.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Love is Watching Someone Die
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself'
Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that
"Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?...
-Death Cab for Cutie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1SZvhCNIY0
For Rory.
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself'
Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that
"Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?...
-Death Cab for Cutie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1SZvhCNIY0
For Rory.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Rent Rewrite
It's come to my attention that MTI is releasing a bunch of new Junior versions for their collection. Included in this is Rent Junior. This means that anyone between the ages of 7 and 18 will be performing it. I know some perv is picturing a 9 year old Mimi "clad only in bubblewrap" but let's be honest here folks...how do you do RENT with Middle Schoolers?
Oh, I'll tell you...
Below, please giggle to yourselves (or gasp in horror...whichever you prefer) at my rendition of Middle School Rent...or at least part one. A couple of quick tweaks before we continue:
* Angel is female.
* Joanne has been replaced by Joe-Dan (yes, male)
* No one has AIDS.
* There is significantly more emphasis on the conservation of energy and use of "greener" materials than the original play.
Please note that the original lyrics and songs are by Jonathan Larson and this is in no way meant to offend Rentheads or Copyright laws. It's just for fun.
Oh, I'll tell you...
Below, please giggle to yourselves (or gasp in horror...whichever you prefer) at my rendition of Middle School Rent...or at least part one. A couple of quick tweaks before we continue:
* Angel is female.
* Joanne has been replaced by Joe-Dan (yes, male)
* No one has AIDS.
* There is significantly more emphasis on the conservation of energy and use of "greener" materials than the original play.
Please note that the original lyrics and songs are by Jonathan Larson and this is in no way meant to offend Rentheads or Copyright laws. It's just for fun.
Tune Up #1
MARK
December 24th, Nine PM
Eastern Standard Time
From here on in
I shoot without a script
See if anything comes of it
’stead of my old bits
First shot - Roger
Tuning the Fender guitar
He hasn't played in a year
ROGER
This won't tune
MARK
So we hear
He's just coming back
After half a year in Nepal
ROGER
Are you talking to me?
MARK
Not at all
Are you ready? Hold that focus - steady
Tell the folks at home what you're doing Roger ...
ROGER
I'm writing one great song --
MARK
The phone rings.
ROGER
Saved!
MARK
We screen
Zoom in on the answering machine!
Voice Mail #1
Roger & Mark's Outgoing Message
"Speak" ... ("Beeeep!")
MOM
That was a very loud beep
I don't even know if this is working
Mark - Mark - are you there
Are you screening your calls -
It's Mom
We wanted to call and say we love you
And we'll miss you tomorrow
Cindy and the kids are here - send their love
Oh, I hope you like the hot plate
Just don't leave it on dear
When you leave the house
Oh and Mark
We're sorry to hear that Maureen dumped you
I say c'est la vie
So let her be with someone else
There are other fishies in the sea
Love Mom
Tune Up #2
MARK
Tell the folks at home
What you're doing Roger...
ROGER
I'm writing one great song
MARK
The phone rings
ROGER
Yes!
MARK
We screen
(SPEAK)
COLLINS
Chesnuts roasting...
MARK AND ROGER
Collins!
COLLINS
I'm downstairs
MARK
Hey!
COLLINS
Roger picked up the phone?
MARK
No it's me
COLLINS
Throw down the key
MARK
A wild night is now preordained
COLLINS
I may be detained
(Bang Bang)
MARK
What does he mean... (Phone rings) What do you mean detained?!
BENNY
Ho Ho Ho
MARK AND ROGER
Benny! (Crap!)
BENNY
Dudes I'm on my way
MARK AND ROGER
Great! (Carp!)
BENNY
I need the rent
MARK
What rent?
BENNY
Last year's rent which I let slide
MARK
Let slide? You said we were golden
ROGER
When you bought the building
MARK
When we were roomates
ROGER
Remember, you lived here
BENNY
How could I forget. You, me, Collins and Mauren...how is the drama queen?
MARK
She's preforming tonight
BENNY
I know. Still her production manager?
MARK
Two days ago I was bumped
BENNY
You still dating her?
MARK
Last month I was dumped
ROGER
She's in love!
BENNY
She got a new man?
MARK
Don’t know…
BENNY
What's his name?
MARK AND ROGER
Joe-Dan
BENNY
Rent my amigos is due, or I will have to evict you. Be there in a few.
(Guitar chords)
MARK
The power blows!
Rent
MARK
How Do You Document Real Life
When Real Life's Getting More
Like Fiction Each Day
Headlines - Bread-Lines
Blow My Mind
And Now This Deadline
"Eviction - Or Pay"
Rent
ROGER
How Do You Write A Song
When The Chords Sound Wrong
Though They Once Sounded Right And Rare
When The Notes Are Sour
Where Is The Power You Once Had To Ignite the Air
MARK
And We're Hungry And Frozen
ROGER
Some Life That We've Chosen
TOGETHER
How We Gonna Pay
How We Gonna Pay
How We Gonna Pay
Last Year's Rent
MARK
We Light Candles
ROGER
How Do You Start A Fire
When There's Nothing To Burn
And It Feels Like Something's Stuck In
Your Flue
MARK
How Can You Generate Heat
When You Can't Feel Your Feet
BOTH
And They're Turning Blue!
MARK
You Light Up A Mean Blaze
ROGER
With Posters-
MARK
And Screenplays
ROGER & MARK
How We Gonna Pay
How We Gonna Pay
How We Gonna Pay
Last Year's Rent
JOE-DAN
(On phone)
Don't Screen, Maureen
It's Me - Joe-Dan
Your Substitute Production Manager
Hey Hey Hey! (Did You Eat)
Don't Change The Subject Maureen
But Darling - You Haven't Eatin All Day
You Won't Throw Up
You Won't Throw Up
The Digital Delay--
-Didn't Blow Up (Exactly)
There May Have Been One Teeny Tiny Spark
You're Not Calling Mark
COLLINS
How Do You Stay On Your Feet
When On Every Street
It's 'Trick Or Treat'
(And Tonight It's 'Trick')
'Welcome Back To Town'
I Should Lie Down
Everything's Brown
And Uh - Oh
I Feel Sick
MARK
Where Is He?
COLLINS
Getting Dizzy
MARK & ROGER
How We Gonna Pay
How We Gonna Pay
How We Gonna Pay
Last Year's Rent
BENNY
(On cellular phone)
Allison Baby - You Sound Sad
I Don't Believe Those Two
After Everything I've Done
Ever Since Our Wedding
I'm Dirt - They'll See
I Can Help Them All Out In The Long Run
Forces Are Gathering
Forces Are Gathering
Can't Turn Away
Forces Are Gathering
COLLINS
Ughhhhh-
Ughhhhh-
Ughhhhhh- I Can't Think
Ughhhhh-
Ughhhhh-
Ughhhhh- I Need A Drink
MARK
"The Music Ignites The Night With
Passionate Fire"
JOE-DAN
Maureen - I'm Not A Theatre Person
ROGER
"The Narration Crackles And Pops With
Incendiary Wit"
JOE-DAN
Could Never Be A Theatre Person
MARK
Zoom In As They Burn The Past To The Ground
JOE-DAN
Hello?
MARK & ROGER
And Feel The Heat Of The Future's
Glow
JOE-DAN
Hello?
MARK
(On phone)
Hello? Maureen?
-Your Equipment Wont Work?
Okay, All Right, I'll Go!
MARK & HALF OF THE COMPANY
How Do You Leave The Past Behind
When It Keeps Finding Ways To Get To
Your Heart
It Reaches Way Down Deep And Tears
You Inside Out
Til You're Torn Apart
Rent
ROGER & OTHER HALF OF COMPANY
How Can You Connect In An Age
Where Strangers, Landlords, Brothers
Your Own Blood Cells Betray
ALL
What Binds The Fabric Together
When The Raging, Shifting Winds Of Change
Keep Ripping Away
BENNY
Draw A Line In The Sand
And Then Make A Stand
ROGER
Use Your Camera To Spar
MARK
Use Your Guitar
ALL
When They Act Tough - You Call Their
Bluff
MARK & ROGER
We're Not Gonna Pay
MARK & ROGER W/ HALF THE COMPANY
We're Not Gonna Pay
MARK & ROGER W/ OTHER HALF OF
COMPANY
We're Not Gonna Pay
ALL
Last Year's Rent
This Year's Rent
Next Year's Rent
Rent Rent Rent Rent Rent
We're Not Gonna Pay Rent
ROGER & MARK
'Cause Everything Is Rent
A HOMELESS MAN
Christmas Bells Are Ringing
Christmas Bells Are Ringing
Christmas Bells Are Ringing
Somewhere Else!
Not Here
ANGEL
You Okay Honey?
COLLINS
I'm Afraid So
ANGEL
They Get Any Money?
COLLINS
No
Had None To Get-
But They Purloined My Coat-
Well You Missed A Sleeve! - Thanks
ANGEL
Hey It's Christmas Eve
I'm Angel
COLLINS
Angel..? Indeed
An Angel Of The First Degree
Friends Call Me Collins - Tom Collins
Nice Tree ....
ANGEL
Let's Get A Band-Aid For Your Knee
I'll Change, There's A "Life Support"
Meeting At Nine - Thirty
Yes – my body prefers a comfortable home
And hates apartments without adequate heating
COLLINS
As Does Mine
ANGEL
We'll Get Along Fine
Get You A Coat, Have A Bite
Make A Night - I'm Flush
COLLINS
My Friends Are Waiting--
ANGEL
You're Cute When You Blush
The More The Merry - Ho Ho Ho
And I Do Not Take No
Tune Up #3
MARK
I don't suppose you'd like to see Maureen's
show in the lot tonight? Or come to dinner?
ROGER
Zoom in on my empty wallet.
MARK
Touche. Stop feeling so blue.
Close On Roger
His Girlfriend April
Left A Note Saying “We’re so done”
and left it waiting for him in the bathroom
I'll check on you later. Change your mind. You have
to get out of the house.
ROGER
I'm Writing One Great Song Before I ...
One Song
Glory
One Song
Before I Go
Glory
One Song To Leave Behind
Find One Song
One Last Refrain
Glory
From The Pretty Boy Front Man
Who Wasted Opportunity
One Song
He Had The World At His Feet
Glory
In The Eyes Of A Young Girl
A Young Girl
Find Glory
Beyond The Cheap Colored Lights
One Song
Before The Sun Sets
Glory - On Another Empty Life
Time Flies - Time Dies
Glory - One Blaze Of Glory
One Blaze Of Glory - Glory
Find
One Song
A Song About Love
Glory
From The Soul Of A Young Man
A Young Man
Find
The One Song
Before life starts to unfold
Glory
Like A Sunset
One Song
To Redeem This Empty Life
Time Flies
And Then - No Need To Endure Anymore
Time Dies
(A knock at the door)
The Door
Light My Candle
ROGER
What'd You Forget?
MIMI
Got A Light?
ROGER
I Know You? -- You're --
You're Shivering
MIMI
It's Nothing
They Turned Off My Heat
And I'm Just A Little
Weak On My Feet
Would You Light My Candle?
What Are You Staring At?
ROGER
Nothing
Your Hair In The Moonlight
You Look Familiar
Can You Make It?
MIMI
Just Haven't Eaten Much Today
At Least The Room Stopped Spinning
Anyway, What?
ROGER
Nothing
Your Smile Reminded Me Of-
MIMI
I Always Remind People Of - Who Is She?
ROGER
She left. Her Name Was April
MIMI
It's Out Again
Sorry About Your Friend
Would You Light My Candle?
ROGER
Well-
MIMI
Yeah. Ow
ROGER
Oh, The flame - It's
MIMI
Bright’ning! I Like It - Behind My --
ROGER
Finger. I Figured...
Oh, Well. Goodnight.
(Mimi exits; then knocks again)
It Blew Out Again?
MIMI
No-I Think That I Dropped My cash
ROGER
I Know I've Seen You Out And About
When I Used To Go Out
Your Candle's Out
MIMI
I'm Freakin' -
I Had It When I Walked In The Door
There was more!-
Is It On The Floor?
ROGER
The Floor?
MIMI
They Say I Have The Best laugh
Below
Is It True?
ROGER
What?
MIMI
You're Staring Again
ROGER
On No
I Mean You Do--Have A Nice--
I Mean--You Look Familiar
MIMI
Like Your Ex-Girlfriend?
ROGER
Only When You Smile
But I'm Sure I've Seen You Somewhere
Else--
MIMI
Do You Go To The Burger King
That's Where I Work - I cook - Help Me
Look
ROGER
Yes!
They always dress you up
MIMI
It's A Living
ROGER
I Didn't Recognize You
Without The Big Crown
MIMI
We Could Light The Candle
Oh Won't You Light The Candle
ROGER
Why Don't You Forget That job
You Look Like You're thirteen
MIMI
I'm sixteen - But I'm Old For My Age
I'm Just Born To Be Bad
ROGER
I Once Was Born To Be Bad
I Used To work jobs like that
MIMI
I Have No Heat - I Told You
ROGER
You smell like grease
MIMI
I came from work
ROGER
Uh Huh
I Used To Be A Foodie
MIMI
But Now And Then I Like To --
ROGER
Uh Huh
MIMI
Get paid
ROGER
Here It -- Um --
MIMI
What's That?
MIMI
We Could Light The Candle
What'd You Do With My Candle?
ROGER
That Was My Last Match
MIMI
Our Eyes Will Adjust. Thank God For
The Moon
ROGER
Maybe It's Not The Moon At All
I Hear Michel Moore's Shooting Down
The Street
MIMI
Bah Humbug ... Bah Humbug
ROGER
Cold Hands
MIMI
Yours Too
Big. Like My Father's
You Wanna Dance?
ROGER
With You?
MIMI
No - With My Father
ROGER
I'm Roger
MIMI
They Call Me
They Call Me Mimi
Voice Mail #2
MAUREEN
Hi. You've reached Maureen and Joe-Dan. Leave a
message and don't forget "Over The Moon" - My
perfomance, protesting the eviction of the Homeless
(and artists) from the
midnight in the lot between A and B. Party at Life
Cafe to follow [BEEP]
MR. JEFFERSON
Well, Joe-Dan - We're Off
I Tried You At The Office
And They Said You're Stage Managing
Or Something
MRS. JEFFERSON
Remind Him That Those Homeless Mothers
In Harlem
Need His Legal Help Too
MR. JEFFERSON
Call Daisy For Our Itinerary Or Alfred
At Pound Ridge
Or Eileen At The State Department In
A Pinch
We'll Be At The Spa For New Year's
Unless The Senator Changes His Mind
MRS. JEFFERSON
The Hearings
MR. JEFFERSON
Oh Yes - Junior
Mummy's Confirmation Hearing Begins
On The Tenth
We'll Need You - Alone - By The Sixth
MRS. JEFFERSON
Harold!
MR. JEFFERSON
You Hear That?
It's Three Weeks Away
And She's Already Nervous
MRS. JEFFERSON
I Am Not!
MR. JEFFERSON
For Mummy's Sake, Junior
No Doc Martens This Time And Wear A
Suit
Oh, And Junior - Have A Merry
MRS. JEFFERSON
And A Tie!!
Today 4 U
MARK
Enter Tom Collins, computer genius, teacher, vagabond
greenist, who ran screaming through the parthenon.
MARK & COLLINS
Granola, Some toothpaste
Banana By The Bunch
A Box Of Captain Crunch Will Taste
So Good
COLLINS
And Firewood
MARK
Look - It's Santa Claus
COLLINS
Hold Your Applause
ROGER
Oh Hi
COLLINS
'Oh Hi' After Seven Months?
ROGER
Sorry
COLLINS
This Boy Could Use Some Chocolate!
COLLINS, MARK & ROGER
Oh Holy Night
ROGER
You Struck Gold At MIT?
COLLINS
They Expelled Me For My Theory Of
Greener Reality
Which I'll Soon Impart
To The Couch Potatoes At New York
University
Still Haven't Left The House?
ROGER
I Was Waiting For You Don't You Know
COLLINS
Well, Tonight's The Night
Come To The Life Cafe After Maureen'
Show
MARK & ROGER
No Flow
COLLINS
Gentlemen, Our Benefactor On This
Christmas Eve
Whose Charity Is Only Matched By
Talent, I Believe
A New Member Of The
Avant-Garde
Angel Dumott Schunard!
ANGEL
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
COLLINS
And You Should Hear Her Beat!
ROGER
You Earned This On The Street?
ANGEL
It Was My Lucky Day Today On Avenue A
When A Lady In A Limousine Drove My Way
She Said, "Dahling-Be A Dear - Haven't
Slept In A Year
I Need Your Help To Make My Neighbor's
Yappy Dog Disappear"
"This Akita-Evita - Just Won't Shut Up
I Believe If You Play Non-Stop That Pup
Will Bark it’s very last high-strung bark
I'm Certain That Cur Will run off to the park
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
We Agreed On A Fee - A Thousand Dollar
Guarentee,
Tax-Free - And A Bonus If I Trim Her Tree
Now Who Could Foretell That It Would
Go So Well
But Sure As I Am Here That Dog Is Now out by the well
After An Hour - Evita - In All Her Glory
On The Window Ledge Of That 23RD Story
Like Thelma & Louise Did When They Got
The Blues
Escaped Into The Courtyard Of The
Gracie Mews
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
Then Back To The Street Where I Met
My Sweet
Where He Was Moaning And Groaning On
The Cold Concrete
The Nurse Took Him Home For Some
Mercurochrome
And I Dressed His Wounds And Got Him
Back On His Feet
Sing It
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
Today For You - Tomorrow For Me
You'll See Boys
BENNY
Hey You Bum - Yeah, You, Move Over
Get Your hand Off That Range Rover
MARK
That attitude toward the homeless is just what
Maureen is protesting tonight.
Close up: Benjamin Coffin the third. Our ex-
roommate, who married Alison Grey, of the Westport
Greys - then bought the building, in hopes of starting
a cyber-studio
BENNY
Maureen Is Protesting
Losing Her Performance Space
Not My Attitude
ROGER
What Happened To Benny
What Happened To His Heart
And The Ideals He One Pursued
BENNY
The Owner Of That Lot Next Door
Has A Right To Do With It As He Pleases
COLLINS
Happy Birthday, Jesus!
BENNY
The Rent
MARK
You're Wasting Your Time
ROGER
We're Broke
MARK
And You Broke Your Word - This Is Absurd
BENNY
There Is One Way You Won't Have To Pay
ROGER
I Knew It!
BENNY
Next Door, The Home Of Cyberarts, You See
And Now That The Block Is Re-Zoned
Our Dream Can Become A Reality
You'll See Boys
You'll See Boys
A State Of The Art, Digital, Virtual
Interactive Studio
I'll Forego Your Rent And On Paper
Guarantee
That You Can Stay Here For Free
If You Do Me One Small Favor
MARK
What?
BENNY
Convince Maureen To Cancel Her
Protest
MARK
Why Not Just Get And Injunction
Or Call The Cops
BENNY
I Did, And They're On Stand By
But My Investors Would Rather
I Handle This Quietly
ROGER
You Can't Quietly Wipe Out An
Entire Tent City
Then Watch 'It's A Wonderful Life'
On TV!
BENNY
You Want To Produce Films And Write
Songs?
You Need Somewhere To Do It!
It's What We Used To Dream About
Think Twice Before You Pooh-Pooh It
You'll See Boys
You'll See Boys
You'll See - The Beauty Of A Studio
That's Lets Us Do Our Work And Get Paid
With Condos On The Top
Whose Rent Keeps Open Our Shop
Just Stop The Protest
And You'll Have It Made
You'll See - Or You'll Pack
ANGEL
That Boy Could Use Some Gum Packs
ROGER
Or Comfy Uggs
MARK
Or Group Hugs
COLLINS
Which Reminds Me -
We Have A Detour To Make Tonight
Anyone Who Wants To Can Come Along
ANGEL
Life Support's A Group For People
Coping With Life
You Don't Have To Stay Too Long
MARK
First I've Got A Protest To Save
ANGEL
Roger?
ROGER
I'm Not Much Company You'll Find
MARK
Behave!
ANGEL
He'll Catch Up Later - He's Just Got
Other Things On His Mind
You'll See Boys
MARK & COLLINS
We'll See Boys
ROGER
Let It Be Boys!
COLLINS
You’ll see boys
ANGEL
Boys Show Me
ALL
We'll See
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
My brain is broken and this is what I do with my time...
You're probably wondering where I've been. I've been wondering the same thing. Life's been a bit hectic. Here's a bit of a recap of the last couple of weeks
The Theatre's season officially began with Liza Minelli. She actually lost a lot of weight and, although she's not at her prime, she has that old-time performer feel to her. And anyone who's a theater person has to appreciate seeing Cabaret sung by Liza. I have to admit, though, that the whole "Liza" thing has caused me much confusion because unlike 90% of gay men in America, Liza Minelli is not my Liza. So, because I think my Liza is that much better, let's compare some stats, eh?
Liza M. Vs. Liza A.
Liza M. was born on March 12, 1946.
Liza A. was born on May 28 (which rhymes....saaay it...go ahead...yeah, I don't think so either, but don't tell her that) 1983.
Liza M. spent most of her money in her early 20's on alcohol, drugs, and, consequently, rehab.
Liza A. spent most of her money in her early 20's on tuition and, consequently, alcohol.
Liza M. is most well known for being Judy Garland's daughter and for her work as a performer, her signature song being "New York, New York."
Liza A. is most well known for being the daughter of two psychologists and for her work as a social worker, her signature experience being that at St. Luke's.
Liza M. has an ongoing feud with her half-sister Lorna.
Liza A. has an ongoing feud with Pamela Smart.
Liza M. 's trademark look features black "helmet" hair, large eyes, and extravagant lashes.
Liza A. 's trademark look features long dark hair that is NOT black, large eyes, and jeans.
Liza M. is good friends with Sharon Stone, Michael Jackson, and Siegfried and Roy.
Liza A. is good friends with Sharon Kowalsky, Kristen D'Angelo, James Fox and Lindsay Epstein.
Liza M. has been married to Peter Allen, Jack Haley Jr., Mark Gero and David Gest.
Liza A. has been married to grad school.
Liza M. won an Academy Award for Best Actress in 1972's "Cabaret".
Liza A. won an HPC Paper Plate award for her work on 2004's "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)."
Liza M. would like the world to know that she is "Liza with a Z, not Lisa with an S."
Liza A. would like the world to know that she is in no way associated with "Liza with a Z."
Annnnd there we have it. My completely random and pointless comparison that has been going on in my head since June. (I'm pretty sure Liza A. will either laugh or yell at me...I hope quasi-yell with laughter.)
And now, a complete change of subject for no reason other than I feel like it. I'm not the kind of girl who has a thousand different crushes at once. In fact, most of my crushes in life have been one at a time; I rarely like more than one person at once. So it surprised me when I sat down and made a list of the "crushes" I have...although these aren't really crushes so much as "man, it would be totally cool to hang out with this person and get to know them." More like mindcrushes I guess.
1.
Ok, well, I should mention this since I'm talking about crushes but the first one doesn't count as a crush. I'm not really sure what to call it. Either way, The Chameleon is cute. I like him. Not a true celebrity, but certainly well known for his fierce wit and ability to reference tiny tidbits of movies most people don't catch the first time they see it. Also, anyone involved in HPC is familiar with his passion and understanding. And yes, I have hung out with him so he doesn't really fit the "mindcrush" option either, although I do like his mind. And body. And body in the leather jacket with the zippers on the sleeves.
2.
Next, we have my longest celebrity crush (and The Chameleon's biggest "competition") Christian Bale. I was first "introduced" to Christian in 1992 (at age 9) and promptly fell in love with both him and Newsies. The Newsie thing actually became something of an obsession. I probably shouldn't be allowed to watch it anymore but something keeps bringing me back. Perhaps its the singing and dancing men, perhaps the plight against the evil Yellow Journalist Joseph Pulitzer, or maybe it's just the fact that no girl can resist the bad boy rebel who secretly has a soul. Since then, I drag my friends to see most of his movies. Turns out, he's all kinds of nice in real life and does things like rescue animals because he likes them. Who knew?
3.
Moving along, my most random celeb sorta crush, Oliver James. Who, you may ask? Well, he's the guy who played opposite Amanda Bines in What A Girl Wants which was on TBS the other night, which is how I know him at all. Yes, he's another Brit, but it's not the accent that does it. He just had this very chill and cool attitude about him and yeah, I'll admit that it was also really cool that he sang in the movie. Yes, I'm aware that this makes me one of those dumb girls who just fall for musicians for no real reason other than the fact that they're talented. If it makes you feel better, I do at least attempt to not be completely dumb about it. Upon further research, it turns out he's a musician first and an actor second. This is also why I heart IMDB but that's a blog for another day.
4.
For anyone who has missed the show, you MUST watch Pushing Daisies on ABC. I not only love the entire feel of the show, but the star, Lee Pace, is very cute. His character has a troubled-but-sweet thing going on that I find really endearing and I'm pretty sure he's a decent guy in real life. I have absolutely nothing real to base this on other than I just want him to be a decent guy. Plus, his teeth are really white in this picture...which isn't so much a reason to have a crush on him as it is an observation about the picture.
5.
Peter Sarsgaard. Who, you're asking yourselves? He was the friend in Garden State and the soldier with a past in Jarhead. I have a crush on him because he played a really cute editor in the movie Shattered Glass who had integrity. Plus, you know, writers...being a leader in the face of adversity...I'm a whore for both. That, and shoes. Plus, I kind of like how chill he is. And he has a great smirk and I find that important in a guy.
Congrats. You have survived a crazy and bizarre trip into the inner recesses of my mind where the roads don't make sense. Sometime soon I'll blog about my girlcrushes. You know, girls I think are amazing for no reason. Not in a girl-power kind of way. I swear.
The Theatre's season officially began with Liza Minelli. She actually lost a lot of weight and, although she's not at her prime, she has that old-time performer feel to her. And anyone who's a theater person has to appreciate seeing Cabaret sung by Liza. I have to admit, though, that the whole "Liza" thing has caused me much confusion because unlike 90% of gay men in America, Liza Minelli is not my Liza. So, because I think my Liza is that much better, let's compare some stats, eh?
Liza M. Vs. Liza A.
Liza M. was born on March 12, 1946.
Liza A. was born on May 28 (which rhymes....saaay it...go ahead...yeah, I don't think so either, but don't tell her that) 1983.
Liza M. spent most of her money in her early 20's on alcohol, drugs, and, consequently, rehab.
Liza A. spent most of her money in her early 20's on tuition and, consequently, alcohol.
Liza M. is most well known for being Judy Garland's daughter and for her work as a performer, her signature song being "New York, New York."
Liza A. is most well known for being the daughter of two psychologists and for her work as a social worker, her signature experience being that at St. Luke's.
Liza M. has an ongoing feud with her half-sister Lorna.
Liza A. has an ongoing feud with Pamela Smart.
Liza M. 's trademark look features black "helmet" hair, large eyes, and extravagant lashes.
Liza A. 's trademark look features long dark hair that is NOT black, large eyes, and jeans.
Liza M. is good friends with Sharon Stone, Michael Jackson, and Siegfried and Roy.
Liza A. is good friends with Sharon Kowalsky, Kristen D'Angelo, James Fox and Lindsay Epstein.
Liza M. has been married to Peter Allen, Jack Haley Jr., Mark Gero and David Gest.
Liza A. has been married to grad school.
Liza M. won an Academy Award for Best Actress in 1972's "Cabaret".
Liza A. won an HPC Paper Plate award for her work on 2004's "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)."
Liza M. would like the world to know that she is "Liza with a Z, not Lisa with an S."
Liza A. would like the world to know that she is in no way associated with "Liza with a Z."
Annnnd there we have it. My completely random and pointless comparison that has been going on in my head since June. (I'm pretty sure Liza A. will either laugh or yell at me...I hope quasi-yell with laughter.)
And now, a complete change of subject for no reason other than I feel like it. I'm not the kind of girl who has a thousand different crushes at once. In fact, most of my crushes in life have been one at a time; I rarely like more than one person at once. So it surprised me when I sat down and made a list of the "crushes" I have...although these aren't really crushes so much as "man, it would be totally cool to hang out with this person and get to know them." More like mindcrushes I guess.
1.
Ok, well, I should mention this since I'm talking about crushes but the first one doesn't count as a crush. I'm not really sure what to call it. Either way, The Chameleon is cute. I like him. Not a true celebrity, but certainly well known for his fierce wit and ability to reference tiny tidbits of movies most people don't catch the first time they see it. Also, anyone involved in HPC is familiar with his passion and understanding. And yes, I have hung out with him so he doesn't really fit the "mindcrush" option either, although I do like his mind. And body. And body in the leather jacket with the zippers on the sleeves.
2.
Next, we have my longest celebrity crush (and The Chameleon's biggest "competition") Christian Bale. I was first "introduced" to Christian in 1992 (at age 9) and promptly fell in love with both him and Newsies. The Newsie thing actually became something of an obsession. I probably shouldn't be allowed to watch it anymore but something keeps bringing me back. Perhaps its the singing and dancing men, perhaps the plight against the evil Yellow Journalist Joseph Pulitzer, or maybe it's just the fact that no girl can resist the bad boy rebel who secretly has a soul. Since then, I drag my friends to see most of his movies. Turns out, he's all kinds of nice in real life and does things like rescue animals because he likes them. Who knew?3.
Moving along, my most random celeb sorta crush, Oliver James. Who, you may ask? Well, he's the guy who played opposite Amanda Bines in What A Girl Wants which was on TBS the other night, which is how I know him at all. Yes, he's another Brit, but it's not the accent that does it. He just had this very chill and cool attitude about him and yeah, I'll admit that it was also really cool that he sang in the movie. Yes, I'm aware that this makes me one of those dumb girls who just fall for musicians for no real reason other than the fact that they're talented. If it makes you feel better, I do at least attempt to not be completely dumb about it. Upon further research, it turns out he's a musician first and an actor second. This is also why I heart IMDB but that's a blog for another day.
4.
For anyone who has missed the show, you MUST watch Pushing Daisies on ABC. I not only love the entire feel of the show, but the star, Lee Pace, is very cute. His character has a troubled-but-sweet thing going on that I find really endearing and I'm pretty sure he's a decent guy in real life. I have absolutely nothing real to base this on other than I just want him to be a decent guy. Plus, his teeth are really white in this picture...which isn't so much a reason to have a crush on him as it is an observation about the picture.
5.
Peter Sarsgaard. Who, you're asking yourselves? He was the friend in Garden State and the soldier with a past in Jarhead. I have a crush on him because he played a really cute editor in the movie Shattered Glass who had integrity. Plus, you know, writers...being a leader in the face of adversity...I'm a whore for both. That, and shoes. Plus, I kind of like how chill he is. And he has a great smirk and I find that important in a guy.
Congrats. You have survived a crazy and bizarre trip into the inner recesses of my mind where the roads don't make sense. Sometime soon I'll blog about my girlcrushes. You know, girls I think are amazing for no reason. Not in a girl-power kind of way. I swear.
Monday, September 17, 2007
A Bit of A Rosie Rant
Dear Rosie O'Donnell:
It has come to our attention that you are under the impression that people do not like you because you are a fat, loud, opinionated lesbian. You have made such feelings abundantly clear through such forums as The View, your failed magazine, and a deep hatred for other celebrities including, but not limited to Donald Trump and Tom Selleck. I am writing you this letter to inform you that you are mistaken and somewhat delusional.
First of all, the American public does not hate you because you are fat. Although we like our celebs to be thinner, we have no problem with larger talk show hosts. How else would you explain Oprah's
multi-decade popularity? And lest we forget the strange obsession with Roseanne 
(which some of us are still wondering about). This has nothing to do with your weight. It just so happens that on top of our many legitimate grievances you happen to be heavier than the average woman. This is not our fault. The E! True Hollywood Story revealed that you had a weight problem long before you ever hit the entertainment world. Oh yes, we are a shallow bunch and will definitely throw it your face that you're fat because we don't like you already, but then again, what do you expect? This is what we do. Since you are a celebrity, we feel it is our right as your public to act like an anorexic girl's conscious peering into a warped carnival mirror and point out any and every physical flaw. We do it to ourselves and we gladly extend it to you.Moving along, it's not because you are loud. We like our celebs loud and ridiculous and, let's face it, you wouldn't have what it took to be a bone fide famous person if you didn't have some pushiness and some loudness about you. I mean, yeah, your job is to grab our attention. The more ridiculous and loud your antics as a celeb, the more likely we are to tune in and make you more money. You are so loud, however, that when you had your talkshow, you didn't allow your guests a chance to be a guest and get a word in, which annoyed me to no end, but it didn't make me hate you. You're certainly allowed to be opinionated. I'm not going to stop you and, hell, it's in the Constitution that you are entitled to your opinion. Again, this is something we thrive on when craving entertainment and again, not why you're hated.
I can only speak for myself here, but I personally hate you because you are under the impression that the only opinion that is correct is yours and while that is wonderfully egotistical, you are ignoring everyone else's right to have an opinion. You are preaching the right to free speech and denying it to anyone different from you. As with the case of Tom Selleck, you made up your mind, decided that he was wrong and instead of allowing him the right to disagree with you, you made him the devil and you were an incredible hypocrite about it. You force your opinions on everyone and then don't like it when other people's opinions are forced on you. You insist that people must accept your perceptions as truth without allowing them their own truths.
As for being a lesbian, that's not why I hate you and I doubt that's why most of America hates you (please note that Ellen
seems to be awfully popular). I'm sure that there are conservative people who do hate you for being gay, but I'm not one of them. I certainly support GLBT culture and am one of the first to tell my friends that using the word "gay" to describe something as bad is just like any other slur. I don't mind that you're gay at all, but I do mind being made to feel like I should feel guilty for being straight. The truth of the matter is that no matter how much you'd like to deny it, I have a right to be straight. In fact, humanity sort of depends on some of us liking the opposite sex because there can only be so many test tube babies. Contrary to your delusional perspective, there is a reason most colleges have a gay-straight alliance and not a just a gay support group. You can't discount straight people who support gay rights and dismiss them as mere protesters. Allow me to assure you that I am not a crazy protester who rides the back of just any cause. In fact, there are very few causes I feel strongly about at all because I am far too apathetic in most cases. When it comes to equal rights for citizens, however, I think that rights should extend to everyone regardless of race, sexual preference, or sexual identity.You are rude to other humans. You disrespect anyone who doesn't share the exact perspective you share. You are irresponsible with your words and are far too pushy about opinions that other people are not required to share. Instead of agreeing to disagree, you insist that those who do not agree with you are evil and deserve the hell that is coming to them. I hate you not because you're a fat, loud, opinionated lesbian, but because you think it's wrong for me to be an average sized, somewhat shy, opinionated straight girl.
Sincerely,
Hesper
P.S. The gay cruise you created that will only admit families with gay parents isn't teaching your children to be tolerant of others with differences; it's teaching to be exclusionary. If you had created a cruise that was for families with either gay parents or parents who were supporters of gay rights, you would be teaching your children that not all straight people are evil.
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